Emotions left unaware

2007-12-09T22:36:00.001+08:00

my heart's crippled by the vein that i keep on closing.

2005-10-12T00:03:00.000+08:00

i keep seeing you yet i dont dare to talk to you. even if i do, i cant come up with more than just that few words. dont ask me why cause im stuck inbetween words myself. and cause of this, our conversations never lasted more than minutes.

yes yes, for now at least, hibernation seems to be the only answer to my dilemma. hide away from everything, shun away from hurt and the guilt. that way i ~~cant~~ get hurt, that way i wont have to endure all the shit that lifes got to offer. and that really seems like an inevitable facet of MY dreary existence. so much to say yet not a word spoken. the mouth cant speak what the mind can ponder.

thats cause almost anything i do, always ends up with me getting hurt. in more ways than one for sure. when people care about me, i give them the shaftoff. more than not, the attitude im giving them is what i get from you. im getting further from you more than i ever thought i might. i cant fight this feeling anymore. and no, i not ready to embrace it.

with this, im pretty sure, hibernation is the key. dont you?

jolene '' procrastination is like masturbation. it feels good at first until you realise youre fucking yourself '' nice one id say. and yes kaichian. you rock my socks to microbits and pieces.

2005-10-10T03:26:00.000+08:00

dont you think its really weird and funny how certain songs are just able to jolt memories and feelings and they sound as though theyre expressing the very emotions that are running through your mind at that exact moment?

people always ask me what do i hate. what do i dislike. well, right at this very moment, more than ever. im super super sure, i hate liars. seriously, especially those who claim to be unable to do a certain thing due to a prior engagement that has or might have to do with enlightenment.

and in the end, lets see. your source of enlightenment is being derived from caring and not bothering. your life probably revolves around this very big word - contradictions. and that is like well, rich. real rich if youd ask me. its like saying one thing and meaning a completely different one.

practically crazily contradictory.

do you care cause you want to, do you care cause you feel like it or do you care cause you feel obligated to? sing me something soft and delicate. just what is with this world and being stuck with cowards who never ever want to admit their wrong-doings. two huge ones in more or less the same week, ABSOLUTELY ridiculous.

and you know what? im not angry. neither am i upset. not peeved, not sad. and neither seething nor hurt. but really, just disappointed. make it very disappointed. if im you. id never land myself in such a situation. trust my words on that. to me-friendship's like one of the best things god has ever presented me with. and im jolly thankful about it.

a very simple thing. its either one or the other. and faithfulness then becomes a vault. and do i have any idea what im talking about? certainly not.

2005-10-08T22:35:00.000+08:00

are you upset? are you disappointed? or are you frustrated?

talk about redundant questions. and for some mysterious reason, my heads in pain again. with this sharp, piercing pain in my side. its making me feel so unbelievably horrible. its like i died and woke up on the fucking discovery channel. alright, pardon me for my profanities.

plus its so detestable when youre drained of all your energy that you have almost all the time in the world to think. idling at home when you should be out chilling with friends - more than not, now with the thoughts running wildly through the mindless mind.

with reference to yesterdays entry of being sick of pretending. i realised its actually so easy to pretend that nothing is wrong. like having fun and prancing around like youre the most fucking carefree person in the world. fooling your friends, the people you hold dear to, the people around you and even yourself, at times.

yet all the while, youre breaking inside.

and nobody knows or realises cause you dont want them to. and its so pain-griefing when the realisation comes right smacked straight to your face that the person you cherish most in your life actually doesnt give a fuck about you at all.

and everythings been done due to obligations and to satisfy a guilty conscience. the basic ungratefulness that is felt in regards to the person. and then knowing that THAT was particularly the reason why that fool stuck around in the first place. playing with your very being. and mocking and your existence.

and its so hard not to tell your friends.

cause theyll just scoff at you and say, 'i told you so' and despite you knowing they were right all along; right from the start. i figured its so difficult to live with yourself knowing you invested emotions, feelings, time and everything else into NOTHING.

god, i wish i was dead. cause once again, written words failed me. i dont know. its just difficult.

" here i am at six o' clock in the morning - still thinking about you. its still hard at six o' clock in the morning to sleep without you by my side. and i know that it might seem to late for love. but i need you now, more than words can say. - firehouse, i need you now "

2005-10-07T11:59:00.000+08:00

Honesty and Friendship.

makes my toes wanna laugh. HAH!! all right, who the hell was i trying to kid? undoubtedly, to me for the latter, the two words in the english language that are so overused is "im fine"

so sick and tired of having to pretend. im exhausted from having to remain strong. being there for people, hearing them out, helping them through whatever crap that flies around their head and whatever that revolves around their every little action.

maybe its cause ive learnt to repress things. and considering circumstances after IT occurred. i repressed it so deep, not thinking much of what happened.

and yes, of course it hurts. so badly

they ask whether im angry. god, not only am i angry, im insane with rage. they ask whether im sad. i'm damn well near depression at times. but its really weird though.

and when people ask. what else can i say cept for the two damn words "im fine"?? do they expect me to bawl and cry and release all my feelings as though theres no tomorrow? i definitely cant do that. not because i want to pretend im strong. but because i cant. i just simply cant

it always takes time to heal - of that i know. but time is passing by really slowly to which it has its pro and cons i guess. theres a certain shush period. relaxing in one way or the other. havent had the mindset to write as in really write cause things are like so silent now.

'' i feel like ive lost everything when youre gone. left remembering what its like. to have you here with me. i thought you should know, youre not making this easy. - matchbook romance, promise "

2005-10-06T21:55:00.000+08:00

what a rollercoaster ride its been. stuck inbetween places, i dont even know where to begin. i am simply crushed with things being really ugly. i knwo i ought to be thankful that i even have this position at all, but it still is too unaffordable. perhaps i should take do something about it. but i am afraid i will be confused. i dont know what my stand should be.

new people, new friends. great people, great friends. ive had my birthday celebration after so, so long that i can hardly remember what went on my previous birthday except for the fact we were all little kids.

amazing how fast time flies ehs.

more than not, its like the best yet worst birthday of my life. like honestly. ive NEVER felt so confused before. mixed up feelings. then, i just wished i was numb. a step back from all these stupid cranked up emotions. anyhow, i still have to thank all those who did their very best that made me enjoy my birthday. <3.

only problem is that im still deciding what i should do before my life gets wasted away and my time's up. but one thing's for sure. daddy's all that i miss right here, right now. and id do anything just to see his face once again.

2005-09-19T23:03:00.000+08:00

alrights. this made me smile.

and now that i think about it, how can anyone do something so senseless?so absolutely, profoundly moronic. stupidity has its limits.. but at times, life can really surprise you.

WHAT in god's name were you thinking? what in HELL were you hoping to accomplish? yes, life gets you down.and at times you do get stupid marks that youve never EVER gotten before.. first three months now seems long gone and it seemed that life cannot offer you anymore. but there's always a way out. there's always SOMETHING to look forward to.

NO one is completely without love. NO one is completely without hope. people can support u. and can give u moral support.. and constantly assure you of things.. but if you don't freaking listen, poeple can go ON and ON to no avail. probably its true that what done cannot be undone. round 1. painful lesson.

most probably ill be at starbucks working and.. probably laughing my ass off. but nah, im so going to own everyone at olevels. over and done with sulking. more than not, ricky sure does makes lots of sense. what do i really want in life...

2005-09-11T00:15:00.000+08:00

its really upsetting to see people at loggerheads with each other. as much as id like to deny, both you and i know that its almost impossible for everyone to live in harmony and peace.

today seemed like any other ordinary day to begin with. but id second to the fact that singaporeans probably arent so friendly afterall. i witnessed a rather shocking scene this afternoon - not to mention everyone else being stunned. ironic aint it? with singapore government emphasing so much on racial harmony.

so much more to say. but im not really in the mood for it. ive even lost the blogging sense. and one gentle reminder. orginality is what counts, darlings.

2005-08-30T12:48:00.000+08:00

i am just so aimless these days. it seems as though time has stopped for me and ive no inkling whether its a monday or whether its elven o'clock. im in a endless sleep. my dreams are always rampant and i wake constantly, only to fall back again into semi-disturbed slumber. and when im finally fully awake and out of the house, i seem to indulge in high-living and unabashedly search for situations where learning will surely be involved - but then id always go back too provoked to truly learn anything.

what am i doing? i would love to try sort myself out right now, but the drive to is so gone - not even the slightest bit of want left in me. as though my souls taking a little short nap with me being just an empty shell leading a zombie life. ive noticed that i too do not even want to think very much anymore, which is the weirdest thing ever. i am in a thoroughly mindless mood, and this has been happening for too long now. i have no inclination on how to get out of it without even understanding it. but what i have only just realised is that if the equilibrium of calm is not there to balance chaos out, it is way hard to fit the puzzles in my head.

but for one thing im sure. no matter what happens - he wont forsake me. god.

2005-08-23T21:27:00.000+08:00

talk about dedication. and here i am again, after so long yada yada yada. spare me the lectures for my body is already giving me enough problems. as such, not to mention the nose bleed the fever the cough and everything in between. make things worse, im in the midst of prelims and no, these sickness aint making it any better. cant concentrate. cant study. cant revise. cant do paper. but its over and done with - i dont see a need in crying over split milk.

life. i have to admit. i hate it when people start rattling on nonstop to me. going like 'life is a like a box of chocolate' or anything they can come up with. its like ____ - you do the filling of blanks. i mean, cant they find a better metaphor? chocolates are already like so boring after so long. not to mention my irritating sorethroat. everyones different in life. seriously, it doenst have to be perfect as long what you make of it makes it count.

just not so long ago, i was having a nice little chat with some of my friends. and miraculously, we drifted on and started about depression, commiting suicide and things we hardly came across. and they started saying about their younger days where there was one time of another in their childhood that they ever thought of commiting suicide. and of course, asking if everyone had that.

almost all of us did except this friend of mine. she claimed she never had that thought before at all. and of course, we asked why ( normal human response ) - with me being the most interested for the latter. at first, it seemed almost impossible to me that she has never had that thought before. i had my doubts of course.

and how she described it? ''if someone gave you life, brought you to this world. and all you do is thinking of commiting suicide and that when you just decided to commit suicide, isnt it like someones giving you money with you plainly throwing it away?'' of course, i sat and think - she did make sense.

and she proceeded, 'theres so many things you can do with life rather than sitting there and sob when you reach some point that you get stuck and figure you cant move on. nor should you try to gain pity. try to find an outlet to move on! make your life happier and use it to the fullest. lifes too short to miss out on all the good things in this world'

and for once, someone my age actually managed to knock some sense into me. and the very next thing that came to mind was what my primary school teacher had always love to talk about. 'this world is no larger than the size of my palm. seemingly big, yet easy to grasp. ' and for once, my teacher, to me, made absolute sense.

2005-08-18T21:38:00.000+08:00

the night is silent, stripped of the familiar calls from the night creatures - even the wind no longer howl. the air is still and the sky, a shade of dark. above me stands the moon, ever so lonely, missing the companionship of the stars tonight.

just how much association can there be? just like myself, a heart filled with emotions but no specific place for safekeeping. the body seriously needs to rest as it can no longer withstand another moment or all these insanities. even so, theres a strong sensation within tugging at me.

i feel empty.

with no purpose or intention to put into consideration that the naked feeling that has been taking place all this while - even as i get myself to finish this entry. just what is wrong with me? could it be the girls i see guys holding in their arms? or that blissful expression they wear on their faces as they think about the lovely evening planned for them? then again, perhaps the other hand that fits so perfectly hand in hand.

i guess this two weeks have really settled my emotions down alot. i realised things dont always work out the way you wished they would, but on the other hand, at least they didnt turn out bad. think about it. your life wouldnt be miserable with those one or two things missing in it. in fact, your life was just fine before you came across those wants and most of the time its the yearning and craving for something so badly that makes us greedy in a way. and you know how the story goes, greed kills the joy...yada yada yada...

subsequently i gave me some deep thinking and made up my mind. trust me it really tired me out and it was way unhealthy psychologically. i was screwed up in the head. now, the tension and stress is long gone, a real sense of relief. it actually felt more like a burden, driving me nuts all day just thinking about it. then i stopped caring, not least bit bothered by it, and after time, it didnt feel like the worrying was there in the first place. i immediately blocked out all possiblities of putting myself into that same deep shit again.

and now my life IS as good as it gets. i reckon you dont always have to be in a relationship to stay happy. thats what friends are responsible for, let them take care of it. so maybe the moon isnt standing alone. just that the clouds blocked them out.

2005-08-15T20:07:00.000+08:00

Red roses were her favourites, her name was also Rose. and every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows. the year he died, the roses delivered to her door. the card said, ' be my valentine, ' like all the years before.

each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say, 'i love you even more this year, than last year on this day.' ' my love for you will always grow, with every passing year.' she knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.

she thought, he ordered roses in advanced before this day. her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away. he always like to do things early, way before the time. then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.

she trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase. then, sat the vase beside the portrait of him smiling fast. she would sit for hours, in her husbands favourite chair. while staring at his picture, with the roses sitting there.

a year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate. with loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate. then, the very hour, as on valentines before, the doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.

she brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock. then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop. the owner answered, and she asked him, if hed explain why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain.

'i know your husband passed away, more than a year ago' 'i knew youd call, and you would want to know' 'the flowers you received today, were paid for in advance.' 'your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance.'

'there is a standing order, that i have on file down there. and he has paid, well in advance, youll get them every year. there also is another thing that i think you should know. he wrote a special little card. he did this years ago.'

'then, shoud ever i find out that hes no longer here. thats the card, that should be sent to you the following year.' she thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard. her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.

inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note. then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote. 'hello my love, i know its been a year since ive been gone, i hope it hasnt been too hard for you to overcome.'

'i know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real. for if it was the other way, i know how i would feel. the love we shared made everything so beautiful in life. i loved you more than words can say for you were my perfect wife.'

'you were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need. i know its only been a year, but please try not to grieve. i want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears. that is why the roses will be sent to you for years.'

'when you get these roses, think of all the happiness that was had together. and how both of us were blessed. i have always loved you and i know i always will. but my love, you must go on for you have some living still.'

'please try to find happiness, while living out your days. i know its not easy but i hope you find some ways. the roses will come every year and they will only stop, when your doors not answered when the florist stops to knock.'

'he will come five times that day, in case you have gone out. but after his last visit, hed know without a doubt. to take the roses to the place where ive instructed him. and place the roses where we are, together once again.'

2005-08-14T22:12:00.000+08:00

not time for exercising my brains rights. first paper of prelims' barely hour away with the many 'hows' and 'whys' running thru my head. i wished ive studied harder when i was young. i wished i knew how to make full use of my time. and i wished i didnt let fun overrule me. quit regretting i tell myself - theres no time for it.

my revisions are barely done, not to mention the touch-ups. ill be entering the examination hall with half the knowledge lying amidst somewhere and the worrying thoughts about not doing well enough to make it to victoria junior college. but frankly, i dont even feel a stinge of stress nor pressure. ive been numb for too long.

first, the sudden realisation that death dont scare me anymore. what now - such attitude towards exams. i guess ill just close my eyes and pray - hope youd do it too.

2005-08-14T00:19:00.000+08:00

Sick sick sick!!

no, this is not about being physically unwell which has ceased to be an issue considering theres nothing to begin with and nothing i can do about. its just that im sick of having to have feelings. im sick of being so so stupid. making mistakes after mistakes. with the academic portion being a MAJOR plus. and obviously, photos are just indicators of that stupidity i posses.

things are so blatantly obvious ( do not press for details. )

but yea, imagine things so palpably and so unashamedly evident. yes i know it just alludes and it just passes by. but either way, i reckon my brain just refuses to process that information. its like things are going on right under my nose and yet, im still oblivious about it. or at least i was. note the past tense. hopefully, ive grown smarter enough. then again, we can always hope.

so right now, i suppose im just waiting for the disappointment to set in. clearly - a really pessimistic view of the world. but whether i like it or not, thats life. so ive no choice but to take it and deal with it; or course, with my walking shoes on. and on second thoughts, perhaps i should just save myself all the trouble and go into hibernation. not literally of course. that way not only can i concentrate fully on my studies, i get to save on my sms bills each month. on a lighter note, i still cant figure out why fear seems to be an inevitable facet of my dreary existence.

oh! not to mention that i hate hate hate, absolutely hate and detest people who try to deceive me. doesnt have to be any specific situations. but being so pretentious and having an ulterior motive which is so god-damn apparent is like a 'shove-off'. thankfully, i was smart enough to turn down the 'offer'.

just great, im feeling angsty once again.

2005-08-12T23:02:00.000+08:00

''In the search of happiness, we are all the equal: none of us is happy." - Paulo Coelho.

not just a collection of my 45th depressing tune but ive realised its already been another year in pursuit of this so-called happiness. definitely now, im starting to think that happiness is just something to make people feel worse about themselves; to realise the amount of imperfections we posses and live in.

hmmm. ive been thinking alot - always wondering if knowledge afterall isnt really such a great thing cause regardless of what you want to know and already know of, its never black or white enough. the indefinite greed. then again, tell me how do i deal with the many grey areas?

one random comment. i think im not stupid. im just far more realistic than compared to a great deal of people out there. come to think of it, i also appreciate it when people think im an individual who doesnt care about those around me. some people say its strength, some someple say its that i dont care much and others think im NEVER serious. i dont know, you choose your own poison. i make or break my own life anyway and thats cause you and i both know we are all starting to be an army of conformists. then again, im sure alot of people disagree with me for ive never been able to drive my point straight across. back to sqaure one - i am stupid.

see what i mean - we are all left alone to defend ourselves at the end of the day. people are just temporary fixtures-cum-illusions. they lead you on. while its nice to surround yourself with people, just dont even become overly dependant on them. thats like the best advice i ever have for life - all my sixteen years of life. when youre needy, you start to lose yourself. and when you start to lose yourself, you lose control of emotions and situations - nothing is within your grasp. and when youre left all alone, you think it is completely absurd that youre without a person to cling on to. been there done that.

the truth is we dont really need people 24/7. we just need to be constantly true to ourselves cause ive finally understand the fact that if one cant be happy being alone, one can never be happy with somebody else. yes, oh so cliche, but also too darn true. lets just say that ive done the whole foolishly in love bullshit and everything there is to engage myself in and it didnt really work out.

"People who are sensible about love are incapable of it." -Douglas Yates

ok, im not trying to be some philosopher here but dont that make absolute sense. thats cause we all live in our own conspiracies. truth is deception with a life of its own. trust is ever so precious, yet ever so sparingly. trust and love - why mix them? you go figure that yourself and i should start making out my birthday wishlist. tee hee hee.

2005-08-11T23:22:00.000+08:00

and so we all started to learn about their lives. we felt the imprisonment of being someone the way it made your mind acted and dreamed. only to end up knowing what colours went together and what dont. i wont deny its a good thing cause we finally know that we teenagers are merely adults in disguise and that we understood love and even death itself - despite elders giving us an earful lecture of how naive we can be at times.

whats more is that our job was merely to create the noise that seemed to 'fascinate' them. we knew that they knew everything that they know and have to know about us, and the fact that we couldnt fathom them at all. in the end, we have pieces of the puzzle in our grasp but no matter how we put them together, the gaps remained.

oddly-shaped emptiness mapped by what was bounded to them like countries we couldnt name. what lingered after them was not life, but merely the most trivialised of mundane facts - a clock ticking on the wall, a room dim at past midnight, with the outrageousness of a human being thinking only of himself - to begin the impossible process of trying to forget them. i wish i could feel safe again, like it was before.

raw and to the point - im finally feeling humane once again. and many thanks to qiuxin for being such a sweetheart. not to mention i still love all of you all the same. ill start living and learning from both fools and sages. cause ive learnt - youve got to lose to know how to win. for now, the past is gone like dusk to dawn. and maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take me away. =))

2005-08-09T22:20:00.000+08:00

woke up today with no intentions of getting out of bed early. my yet again morbid dreams were then again interrupted by a phone call. the clock read 1255.

i sat on my bed, gazing out of the window with the rays softly piercing through the thin sheet of glass thats separating me from the world outside - and thinking just how much life actually meant to me. how much people would treasure me and how much i would too, for the latter. the thoughts were all in reference to what my dream was about. sure. im loving the way my lifes been working out. but it still feels like im missing out on certain important bits here and there.

like im running away. running away from something i was too scared to face up. and too scared to embrace. the evil spirits in my dream that went around possessing the people i cared most about. its a representative of the hatred, greed, jealousy and everything inbetween that draws a line between me and the rest. i was slashed on the forehead once. perhaps it meant that i was hurt in someway, physically or emotionally. maybe i am hurt. just that im denying myself of those ugly emotions.

and then theres the dying pregnant dog with her fully-grown pup in her. i tried to get the foetus out to make sure it died. didnt quite catch the meaning of that but my intentions for that matter wasnt any bad. its really gruesome though. the next i knew, i sat awake - answering my mobile. gah, maybe i had certain issues left unsolved for the day. like what they always say, its always better to clear up those worrying thoughts for the day before retiring for the day - be it a small squabble or a huge fight. pretty true id reckon.

i told everyone i was alright with the whole situation yada yada yada. maybe afterall, i wasnt at all in the first place. but i didnt mind making the sacrifices regardless how minimal the rewards were. they still appeared as attractive to me nevertheless. perhaps its just another act of foolishness but it was certainly worth the try. but for now i definitely have better matters to attend to. except the fact the distractions are too much of a impact.

oh well, then again i shall give my mind some time-off before the splitting headache comes back. so much for the cynical thoughts when i realised my life isnt so bad afterall. all this while. and for this, i thank GOD for makin this one a special one. i wished dad was around to enjoy every moment of it with me though. but im sure hes happy up there.

happy national day everyone anyway.

2005-08-08T11:17:00.000+08:00

good morning sun. sometimes i wonder to myself if its you i really hate, or if its just a way for me to cover up and stop caring about you. and sometimes it does get a little out of hand. yet sometimes i cant seem to fight it. even at times i dont even understand why i do the things i do - whether its for good or whether its for bad. sometimes i even think that everything im doing is not out of hate for you, but more of hate for myself. and i cant seem to stop myself. really, its funny to understand the complexity of the human mind.

in the beginning, it was guilt; guilt for unknowingly stepping into something which ended up in the cause of your pain. and then it was painful, painful for me to do the things i did to make you happy. but still, i did it anyway. and then i started feeling both at once; guilt and pain. anger came only much later. randomly. but it left as quickly as it hit. next thing i knew, i was overcomed by sadness and hurt. maybe because i felt stupid for feeling so much when all along you felt nothing but just doing the things you do. maybe it was the betrayal. maybe it was the shock. maybe it was the trust. maybe it was the fact taht we just saw each other a week before it happened . maybe it was because you lied when i called you that night. or when i asked you a million times, and all you did was lie. then again, maybe its my fault.

you could have just said it right to my face.

and then we met. somehow, anger presided every emotion i may have felt then. and then the next, it was gone. even now, i still dont know why i did the things i did. was it forgiveness or was it that i understood your pain? and then after many conversations with friends and much thought, i realised maybe i dont even understand. i didnt understand why you did the things you did. was it out of revenge? was it out of hate? or was it purely out of anger? blind to the eyes emotions maybe. but there was a mixture of both hurt and anger.

i wanted you to see the pain i felt, perhaps go through the same shit, so you will understand how fuckedup this feeling can be. but i changed my mind cause i realised that i didnt hate you. its that i never understood you. or what your intentions were. i wanted to know, even though i was afraid of finding out and knowing the truth

and then it got better. and i got okay with you. and i wondered whether you were happy. i was hoping you were. dont ask me why i wanted you to be, i didnt even understand it myself even though you never wanted the same for me - or so i thought. actually, im still clueless. but after all this, something happened, and i couldnt believe you lied - again. after all that, you tried it once more. you apologized once for my pain, yet you did it again. and i was fucking ticked off. but i was okay again. and now when i look back on it, i think maybe im more of being confused than just being okay. because up to now, i still think of you and wonder if youre alright. and hten i remind myself of the stupid past that left everything mixed up. even after clearing up the pieces, just the thought of it and im back to square one. im hovering between one thing and another.

i care, yet i dont want to. and i dont even know why im doing this. i dont know why im so fucked up and neither do i know why im actually putting this up. gah, not to mention why i even feel this way - even up to now.

the 'ands' and the 'maybes'

2005-08-06T21:20:00.000+08:00

the government should really consider sending women to war. not that they dont already have women soldiers, but until now national service has only been mandatory for men. such a pity really, cause if people should actually witness the scene during a Mango sale at ANY outlet at all, they would realise the female population is rather one untapped resource.

ive seen it, and it still freaks me out just thinking about it. imagine a queue of eager women of all ages at 7.40 in the early morning, all ready to pounce on anyone who tries to fight with them for a particular item. some even come prepared with weapons - umbrellas/bulky bags to fend off their own kind from getting to the good stuff before they do. others are dressed in appropriate attire - a wrap skirt (for easy removal) with a bikini bottom inside. better yet, those who come in teams. these women are relentless in their fight for the best deals/clothes.

it's really a who-gets-what-first game. survival of the fittest. if you're not cut out for pushing and shoving, plus stepping on toes just to get what you want, then the Mango sale is not for you. thats cause going to a Mango sale is akin to going to war. and in order to survive, the rule is to show no mercy. i suppose that makes singapore women rank world no.1 when it comes to war. erm, make that mango-war.

alright, women - dont blame me for this entry. simple reason, i had to blog of a different context before people starts labelling me a sadist. men - i know you agree me, so totally. and everyone - im so not in favour of the recent weather, plus the unorganized biathalon today. and one question. what good is a heart when youre not even gonna put it to use?

2005-08-05T21:51:00.000+08:00

the world can't accept niceness even if it's served up on a platter.

its like people dont remember what youve done for them, be it in huge amounts or tiny bits. they however, only remember what you did TO them.

i mean why must every action come with ill-intentions? is it just what we want out of it or does it lie in human nature? there is always a reason for every action, but the motive behind every action may not always be bad. everyone is fallible to some degree, myself included of course. I admit not every thing i do for another is of good will, so really, i am in no position to judge. and neither am i one who can accept niceness all the time. i doubt. i analyze the actions of one. i analyze the actions of one - too much.

and the times when i do believe a person is not harboring any ill-intentions towards me, then the people around me will advise otherwise. it's really strange how this world actually works. they call you gullible when you accept it, and paranoid when you don't. so tell me what should i do now?

last night. i escaped death. this night. death approached. no, not for me. but for my dog. just how sudden your life can come to an end. now, not only am i left with no one to talk to. im left with no companion. this time for real - im home, all alone. vida, give me back my fantasy.

2005-08-04T21:30:00.000+08:00

when youre stuck in the middle of three friends - one you just made recently, the other youve only gotten closer to, and another you know and met a year ago, the best thing is to keep the secrets they want you to keep and bring out only the good in them to the rest. censor the bad parts, keep to obligations and promises, and help create a good impression of the other two in front of one.

but at the end of it all, you might be misunderstood. they tend to trust you less because they think you might betray them to the others, and one can never really be too sure since youre the person who knows all of them. being the middleman trying to explain things to everyone isnt any easy. its more difficult since there are some things you cant say to the other even if you want to help clear the air, you cant mention it at all - it only gets you into deep shit.

and in trying to explain ones actions to the other, you might realise that you dont really know this person at all. i know A as the person i saw her to be. and now, as hard as it was to believe initially, i am convinced i don't know her at all. and after speaking up for her to others, it suddenly dawns on me that maybe i was wrong about everything to begin with. if there's one thing i'm not afraid to say, it's the fact that i didn't say anything that might put any of the three in bad light. never. so if you really have nothing to hide, you wouldn't be afraid of talking to me in the same way.

unless, of course, what was said is true. and now what did i say about hurling insults? im tired of taking sides. or is it my fault to begin with. what a laughing stock ive become.

anyway, contrary to what i hear about near-death experiences, my life didn't flash before me this afternoon. maybe it only happens to comatose patients, or people who actually get knocked down. i tell you the feeling is almost surreal.

i was stepping down the pavement to cross over and before i knew it, the van was 10 cm away from hitting the side of my body. i couldnt even hear the loud continuous honk. but i did manage to catch a few stares of the on-goings when i finally came out of my semi-conscious state of mind. no doubt that im still considerably zonked-out.

and what's alarming wasn't that i could have died that instance, it was the sudden realisation that death doesnt scare me anymore

bolsters.

2005-08-03T22:49:00.000+08:00

just what is it about people and bolsters

most people i know cant sleep without hugging a bolster. not that they rub themselves against it or anything like that. but once we have that special someone, bolsters become inconsequential. so bolsters somewhat alleviates that need for someone to hug to sleep at night.

first of all, bolsters definitely dont argue, they dont give you insecurities. everynight when you go to bed, you can be sure that your bobo/peanut/mogu is tucked safely under your sheets. alrights, im not trying to pinpoint anything here but i wont deny bolsters do make a good sleeping partner.

however there are just some things bolsters cant do, bolsters cant give you a goodnight kiss before you close your eyes. they dont have arms that will hug you safely to sleep. they cant whisper those sweet three words into your ears as you slowly drift off to slumberland.

sometimes bolsters even end up on the floor when you get up. in the mornings, bolsters cant tell you that you look beautiful even though your eyes can barely open and you've got rancid breath and your hair's a total mess. alright, random this entry might seem but ive been actually thinking about it. everynight i hug my bolster but true, sometime seems amiss. and id second to the fact all have their pros and cons.

likewise tonight, i'll be hugging my bolster to bed, dreaming of you. one night i really hope to be dreaming of my bolster and hugging you instead - with you softly whispering in my ears those sweet three words ive always longed to hear.

black & white

2005-08-03T19:06:00.000+08:00

not everything can be laid out in black or white. you ask me why i speak in such a deliberate equivocal manner. i don't have an answer to that except the fact that i'm going mad. this place is spooky. or maybe this is what i really need most right now. i love it and yet i detest it.

i have 301 things on my to-do list, none of which has been remotely close to being accomplished. errands aplenty. from ipod to my expected running time to studies and to a blind date. how wonderfully whacky is that. just too bad time is running out.

seems that everywhere which i've been to contains ample supply of ice-cream, my house included. i remember those old school primary days where they came in red bean/durian/jackfruit flavour. at least the uncle still pops by outside the school riding his little motorcycle with bell in hand. $1.00 cheap cheap.

was catching up with alot of my 'long-lost' friends today. its been way long since i last had coffee with them. talking on the phone sure seemed forever. everyone seemed to have changed. but of course, all busy mugging for exams. prelims. o'levels. ah ha, one of my 301 things on my to-do list. but of course ill study. just not in the mood today. i guess im just all drained out from school.

and that sort of sums up my wednesday.

everybody feels this way sometimes.

2005-08-02T22:47:00.000+08:00

i didn't come this far for you to make this hard for me.
and now you want to ask me 'how'?
there are some things that i'd like to figure out.
and there are some things that i can do without.

like you, and you, and the people that were never friends.
with all the things that you could be,
you never could learn how to be.

and when i'm done with thinking, then i'm done with you.
cause like chalk and cheese,
sometimes you just can't lump everything together,
thinking they're all the same.

i guess im just perfectly understated with raw emotions
and everything in between.

between every sentence lies a meaning to it.

2005-07-26T23:16:00.000+08:00

ok, gabriel asked me to blog a happier entry for a change. id love to. but not today aite? so i guess ill just give my mind heart and fingers a break. swing-chilling time. god i love the nights.

and i know saying sorry sounds pretty unconvincing cause people only tend to apologize after they do something thats wrong. but either way, im lost for ways on how to go about. but shane. im really sorry. guess i shouldnt have even started the topic. maybe. but remembering is not as easy. at times, life dont always go one's way. hope youll learn to understand it one day. then again, i really appreciate it.

say my last words. i wish id die now. reality bites. i want out. ive been lying too much to myself. it always have been a make-believe. vjc. olympics. kids. everything. im stupid. im foolish. and ive so fell out with my element. its still so hard to believe. and i suppose what i really fear most now is not not being able to believe. however, it's just tomorrow's sunrise. gah.

have i? never.

2005-07-24T23:52:00.000+08:00

really, i dont know whether i should go into an extreme rant for this. ive been feeling extremely angsty these few days. hmm, come to think of it, i get lots of mood swings nowadays, depending on the situation - of course, with the constant flu 'epidemic' ive been experiencing. at times, i feel frustrated because of my future - sometimes i feel down because of the bad things in my life. since day one when i started being human and understanding emotions, my life didnt seem to go the way ive always wanted it to be. perhaps it's all got to do with all the disappointment accumulated to the point that depression in me came about.

now, when did my depression start? i think i had my first taste and fair share of sadness when i was 13, because of a girl. well, that was pretty mild and i have sort of gotten over it but what followed soon after didnt really leave me all clapped for joy. but i guess, that's where it all went pretty much downhill for my lovelife. (though i seem to be exaggerating at this point.)

i really should slap myself awake, but I can't bring myself to do so. i'm not even trying to do anything for myself nowadays. i just want to live my life right here, right now. its like im contended of being where I am right now and refusing to budge from there. but i guess ill be myself and not bother anyone anymore. anyhow, i guess ive said my piece - although theres still a bit more pent up frustration lurking somewhere from this morning. i could go into detail about them, but i guess itll be hard to explain them in the way im thinking right now.

then again, when have i ever managed to explain my thoughts?

its like when i begin to think of an entry based on my current thoughts with the very moment i try to pen them down, theyll go around like sheep gone crazy. with me, the shepherd, trying desperately to keep them in place. i guess its because i like to dwell on past experiences. it gets me all nostalgic about the good old days, especially when everything seems so right until they either disappear or a problem crops up, from no where.

gah, when will i ever understand myself?

and talking about asexualness. i guess i should really remain this way for a little while longer. cause i seem to think that im somewhat better off alone. cause if my attitude persist, i bet i wont last a month with my next potential girlfriend - shell dump me faster than you can change your underwear. maybe, because im too quiet in real life. or maybe cause deep down, im not really what i really am. make sense? nevermind. oh wells, at least singlehood has it plus points.

maybe next time.

emotions. what are they?

2005-07-21T22:05:00.000+08:00

at my desk i sat, with my head tilted upwards. the glaring brightness from the florescent lamp above catches my full attention. the wires that connected to form a circuit, thus lighting up this lamp. connections. its reminded me of the different forms of connections humans have with each other. something in me felt amiss. so dark and empty, like a black hole. im losing grip of everything that i once felt passionate for.

i've lost touch with my emotions.

i cant determine if it's a good or bad thing. there are always cons and pros in situations like this. i love to stop feeling at times, yet at that exact moment, a yearning to sense is the first thing on my mind. perhaps i was wrong. my emotions are still very much intact in me, just buried under subject matters that are occupying my brain activity at this moment.

falling away from this fills me with utmost depression. it separates me from the human species. i suppose magical is the prefect vocabulary to describe the process of chemistry working through my mind and soul, triggering that emotion in me to feel a certain mood. it's a complicated element. easy to understand, yet almost impossible to have a upper hand at.

the giggles about crushes or butterflies in my tummy remind me im still a little boy. the need to be childish. i want to be a child with those emotions that keep me pondering day and night, night and day. its a fun stage in life. i dont want to grow up and experience the hurts and pain, id like to be ignorant to my surroundings and the consequences these feelings might stum upon. growing up isnt fun at all. i learn about the requirements in life, the difference between a good and bad person and to distinguish the various types of feelings one can experience. it gets me moody.when will those feelings of mine surface again? im already missing it.

i feel cold-blooded.

and nothing's quite the same now.

its about time.

2005-07-20T22:55:00.000+08:00

i mean, just how unlucky can my day get.

probably it just implys that i should stay home and recuperate. but idling, doing nothing is bored shit. geez. not to mention getting drenched in the heavy pour this morning, on the way to school even while im sick. bah. walked halfway to the busstop and bam, there the rain welcomed me.

entered the bus all shivering. i just knew id fall even more sick and people will start hollering at me. yes yes, for not staying at home. bah. and when i thought that was unlucky enough. my class was punished to stand under the hot sun during recess. the immense heat. like blah. that was when i started feeling giddy and groggy. disgusting weather.

its like im playing a deadly game. and yes, i slept my whole day through. nothing but sleep sleep and sleep. what more, there wasnt dinner. i feel so shit. hoho. but at times i hear a voice prise in the wilderness. and its about time i start to see it. face it. ok, for now. ill just concentrate on getting well. and shit. i cant run my 2.4km tomorrow. stupid sickness. so much for training so hard. there goes my 8mins plus. curse the weather. i need salvation.

and yes, thats how unlucky my day have been.

sick. 3days mc.

2005-07-19T22:33:00.000+08:00

k, my sickness just got worse and my brain's fried, i cant think. and im drifting away from whatever ive been messing on. dont ask me what it is cause im cluess myself to start of with. im on 3 days mc, but definitely am i not staying home just to recuperate. its like a waste of time. just as how i was telling my friend what day wasted today.

i didnt exactly do anything. idled my time away as i watched the rain continuously falling to the ground. im not really sure anymore of what i want in life. its as though my dreams shattered. yes, lame it sounds. but at least i managed to get my new iPod today. guess its good enough for the day. and im still contemplating whether to go school tomorrow or put my MC to better use. hmm.

and please do take good care of yourself people. dont fall victim to this irritable weather like what ive done. ok, i guess i need my ample rest. prelims are less than 4 weeks away. and ive not even started. i need help badly.

and show me the beauty you posses in inside alongside with your sense of pride. =)

kill me.

2005-07-18T23:03:00.000+08:00

treat me like a child. throw your arms around me. and yes, im like extremely supremely sick. pray i survive the night. not to mention today was a killer. headaches. flu. rain. god. i need a remedy right here right now.

and it seems this week is going to be one hella busy week. but at least i managed to do some work, some overdued work. skipping school tomorrow, cant take it no more. ugh. and im sorry to whoever's concerned. bah.

this is it.

2005-07-17T23:20:00.000+08:00

in a couple few minutes mark the start of a new day. the start of a new week. and this where the commitment starts. alright alright, for those that are still probably lost in the world of their own and not knowing whats happening. today marks the last day of my outing until prelims over. and next, o levels. it sounds too great of a challenge for me. but at least im willing to give it all.

victoria junior college. how impossible can it sound. and the disgustingly stupid flu seems to be irritating me alot. it feels as though i so want to chop my nose off, free me from all this rubbish ive to endure. ugh. and yes. shane, im not sad all the time. its cause i was sick today. congratulations to pamela and claire on their confirmation and apologies to the others for the most abrupt behaviour displayed today.

but the talk after dinner with dommy was good. at least we cleared certain misunderstandings and each found someone to confide in. yes, and esplanade had really nice art paintings. abstract. at least i do know partially whats going on in his mind now. and in the meantime, ill be praying. of course, for him, and the rest, that all turns out well. and till then. this will probably be my only source of entertainment now, till after prelims.

and god, please take away my virus-es. ah choo. god bless.

sentosa.

2005-07-17T01:05:00.000+08:00

the weather's been pretty bad and ive already fallen victim to it. grr. and im not liking it one small bit. but im still pretty amazed by their characters. hurhur, and lau's been really nice to me. a good bro indeed. sentosa screwed me upside down though. sommersaults. throws. my head's hurting and my nose's running. and 8.55 is my aim for 2.4. but ive not been training. the horrors.

im gonna be nice and let myself rest. but my nose still constantly running. ugh

sad to happy.

2005-07-13T19:45:00.000+08:00

what are promises really?

especially when someone promised to remember you as long as you remember them. and the next thing you know, youve been chucked aside by them, all ready to fend for yourselves. but i know i shouldnt complain anymore.

and at least im starting to feel like im living for a reason. studying, my main priority. and you're my second. maybe one day youll start talking to me again. im praying for all to turn out well.

prelims' just a mere month away. its time to start mugging. and its time i stop being such an asshole. smile max! and i just wanna say i love you guys. =) chikaladome!

im sorry.

2005-07-10T01:05:00.000+08:00

at least the people around me seems to be enjoying life already. comforting to know. and to sandra and jo, no im not angry with you. i just dont want a brain scan. past experiences do scare people k? im sorry and hope you two will understand.

like i said. it all lies in fate. if it really was meant to be, no matter how hard i try to run or escape, it'll still hit me like a knife stabbed in one place, repeatedly. so its at least more ease-ing to realise it when its all too late, then start worrying at the start, knowing it'll all still end the same. cancer cells are heditary. oh wells.

do take care people. god bless.

[edit] theres like so many things in life i want to do and want to accomplish. but does my life really have to end the way i dont want it to end? im scared, im terrified. every night all i do is crawl up into bed thinking what will become of me. what will my personal legacy be. and so many times i longed for people to shower me with love, or at least have a family just like any others. everything i chanced upon happy familes, i always stop and ponder. why cant i have just have a happy life like any others? dad left us when i was 9 years old, mum busy with work ever since then, hardly home with me losing the feeling of being loved. oldest brother in america. second brother always running from place to place. and sister, in australia. every night, reaching home, i open the doors to my house, wishing someone would be there to accompany me, or at least knowing im not alone. but no, its always the same thing, only to be welcomed by lonliness. and to be welcomed by sadness. the still atmosphere. does any here understand how fucked this feeling can be? my friends always say im just overreacting, im just being obsessive compulsive. but thats cause they dont know how it feels like to be left all alone. left stranding at this young age. i need love in my life. and now even friends i know shun away from me like im some kind of freak. alright, maybe i admit i am. but all i want to do is just live like any normal human being. with parents to love me, with friends to talk to. and of course. with people to hug. and when i resort to alternatives, i just get thrown at, right in the face, for sucking the cancer-causing stick. i make amendments, i still get point and laughed at. i change, i still get bitched about and people are still not happy with me. i never fail to get the cold shoulder. i try so hard to change, try so hard to make em happy but no one ever appreciates it. all they do is whine and complain, bitch and hurl insults. giving me answers, giving my statements i never want to hear. seriously, i really have no idea how much further i can endure this. im totally out of my element. all drained and burnt out. sometimes, i just feel like an outkast. where i dont belong here. i cant take it anymore. my head's spinning and my brain's screaming. and as i type this, im staring out of my room, into this empty apartment. maybe one day, one day ill never wake up. and ive always wondered how this feeling would be like. cause i dont think im able to put on a happy front anymore. and people will start their stories again about me and my act sad plot. sighs. just how far is heaven? but seriously, if i were to die in this empty apartment. who would ever know.

and fuck those people who dont give a shit about their parents.[/edit]

what the world needs now is love.

2005-07-07T22:01:00.000+08:00

my headaches are bad. different this time, only of more intensity. its as though my skull's being drilled through. terrible feeling. then it dawned upon me whether it was the cancer cells taking place. hmm, life is fragile and full of surprises. just what is it, really? not to mention the terrible dizzy spells that almost got me tumbling down the stairs in school.

ok, play time's over and i suppose its time to mug. six points for vj seems so impossible. and prelims are just five weeks away. and with my facts are all screwed up, guess ive to work on the double. mug mug mug. anyone wanna mug with me after school or something? bah, just what a life ive been living for the past years.

my phone half-dead. my ipod photo screwed. how much worse could technologies get. and i tell you, seeing people important in your life smile is like the best thing ever. met up with the friend ive known the longest for, 13 years. didnt really see him smile. not until that day. its cool. really, i wish living was alot easier and happier. but then again, maybe it should be balanced. or else happy would have lost its meaning.

and not that im in any position to make judgements, criticize or of any sort, but im still pretty disgusted by certain affairs. affairs people tend to take matters into their own hands, not to mention to bring others down to bring emselves up. now what has the world become to. and i guess i had my fun bit of ignorance and to take a step back and enjoy the absurdity of the moment - just like when people think they know me when they actually dont.

so many wonderful tales, so many beautiful lies. but still, what the world needs now most is love... and thats all it matters right here, right now.

'id steal the sun from the sky just for you'

moscow, london.

2005-07-06T22:07:00.000+08:00

so the venue of olympics in 2012 has finally been made. moscow, london. and yes, the promise i made to so many people that will take place in 2012. ill thrive. and i suppose those from iag'advance will definitely have a clear view of it. to those unaware, its a seemingly impossible task im trying to grasp. and through this aim, im gonna thrive. im gonna make sure i am. i dont want this motivation in me to die out. honestly, im afraid cause a part of me tells me i cant make it and its driving me nuts.

i definitely dont want people to start worrying about me, but being optimistic doesnt seem as easy as it sounds. we humans, created a world we couldnt believe in. a world beyond imagination. and clearly, ive no idea what's taking toll of my mind.

still trying desperately to purge all the pessimistic-ism, i certainly dont want to upset any more of my friends. ive hurt enough people. and i want to stop it, and stop it right now. ok, and these are to the people that ive hurt in one way or another, or perhaps cause much unhappiness and sadness. im really sorry for all that.

zhiyang, derek, sandra, jeolinita, natasha, albert, qiuxin, jamie, cindy, presley, kenneth, sabrina, nicole, cheryl, ally, nicholas, clement, desmond, allester, arul, andrew, cassandra, bryan, cephas, charmaine, damien, dwyanne, crystal, gabriel, edric, melissa, debra, zhirong, hanloong, grace, victoria, terence, wengfai, zhiyan, martin, maddeleine, kelvin, max, michelle, and just about all those i know. i know its a long list. but these are probably the pains ive cause. the sins ive made. and im really sorry.

lets pray it all turns out well. im really sick of fluctuating between moods every other day. its annoying, although i know emotions cant really be controlled. and if this please you people, ive not smoked for a while now.

today will soon be gone.

2005-07-04T22:47:00.000+08:00

i wont deny today was something more out of the ordinary. i suppose without today, id forget how it feels like to be happy. people around me cheered my life up. but time constraints. i couldnt do much. and somehow, this happiness didnt seem to last.

so what really stays and what moves on? i need to know. i need to find out. im stuck inbetween living and dying. and my life almost came to an end today. back sommersault. wrong move, i almost broke my neck. 3rd time, ive escaped death. once at birth, the other from the head operation. so i guess this just the minor one. but what really is the message that's trying to bring across?

for some people i wished would care about me more wont. im just delusional. its as though ill never be able to break out of this black hole. just sinking in further by further. the past 3 days of optimistism probably have just all been illusions. the future just looks bleaker than ever. i should just die and create less troubles and worries for people. so many a times, i feel ive brought nothing but misery. it hurts so much. and no-one ever understand the pain, the sorrow. some even try to tell me im just making things difficult for myself. sighs. life life. fuck life. and im sorry for being such a jerk.

im sorry.

a walk to remember.

2005-07-04T01:36:00.000+08:00

ok, my depressing tune has started again. but i guess im really alright. not to worry of course. although i do know that in life, there are things we dont know and cant control. i somehow cant seem to purge all those negative thoughts in me. there are just certain immutable truths in this world that i can't talk my way out of. yet they all me 'its all in your mind'

i guess ill just do something that i never thought i'd ever do - live in the moment. at the same time, bearing the fact that someone else's greatest adventures could turn out to be my greatest nightmare. ill just keep my chin up, have my walking shoes on, and follow my heart to the ends of the earth. as i make this journey, id love to feel as though i left the world a little better than when i found it. of course, at least taking time out to enjoy the view, having the first drops of summer rain caught on my tongue, and the time when someone special whispers in my ears 'i love you' before i close this wonderful chapter.

but for now, ill just trudge this boring highway without exits and embrace the unpredictable as there is always beauty and hope in even the most awful circumstances. something that ive understood, yet unabling to have the upper hand at. ive spent a great deal of my live physically and emotionally isolated, feeling utterly alone. its time i stop wasting the present worrying about the future. cause instead of waking up for breakfast tomorrow, i might find myself drawn down a long, dark tunnel towards a bright and beautiful light, and my journey will have come to an end where my entire life passes before my eyes.

and thats when my time is... up.

its time we all take a change.

2005-06-30T21:20:00.000+08:00

in few hours time signals a start of a new month. six months has just flew by, in the twinkling of an eye. i cooped myself in my room with piano pieces playing softly in the background. the room was dark, yet with faint sunlight trying desperately to shine through the glass windows. it was really a good time to reflect. a good time to give life some serious thoughts.

ill skip the emotional mind boggling portion as it isnt really necessary to know exactly whats on my heart and mind now. but its really pleasing to see people change - for the better of course. just as i have been catching up with friends recently, i realised something. most of them have learnt to live for themselves, moved on with life, clearly making a difference in their own lifes. its somehow really comforting to see and know that life isnt always as unpleasant and meaningless as ive always thought it had been. people do change. and now, i reckon life is infinitely more preferable to the alternative.

as i was saying, i wasted six complete months this year. no way am i allowing another six months to fly past like that. someone once said, treat everyday as though its your last. this way, youll bound to achieve something. the more i dwell upon it, the more sense it made. the first part of the sentence could never seem to be any clearer than it was. treat everyday as though its your last. its makes so much sense. a message trying to bring across to all. life is full of surprises. you never know what happens the very next minute. you could get bang down by the car the minute you walk out of your house. or even a sudden heart attack. cherie once said, life is fragile. and now, i really know why she said that. ive seen ones that ive held so dear and close to me leave me just in an instance. but never did it occur to me that its all part and parcel of life.

in the past, ive been really foolish. i always harboured the thought that death was the solution to all. i always believed nobody cares, people are just full of pretence. they say theyll miss you when youre gone but the very next minute, theyll forget you even existed once. but then i realised, death is only the beginning. dont you all agree? death is what makes people want to live. death is what brings the urgency in living life to the fullest. death is just the beginning of everything. most people fear death, though some long for it. those that fear death make full use of their lives, their every single moment. and those that long for death are timids who dare not take that extra step out of their emotional bunker where they think they'll always be safe with enough walls without knowing the entire jokes on them. the irony. these people are what we call cowards. no doubt they may avoid the few things that make life difficult, but in the end, they also miss out on all the wonderful things that make life worth living. i was once like that. and no, i dont want to be that no more. and i sincerely pray that those who are like that will change.

its time we all take a change.

its time for a change.

2005-06-29T18:54:00.000+08:00

so ive decided that its time i stop living just for others. i need a change. a change in life. a change in attitude. a change in mindset. ive enough of this make-believe story. ive enough of being delusional, always trying very desperately to make a change in people's life. and because of that, i forgot to live for myself, i forgot what it is like being the real me. and through that, not only did i not achieve what i want in life, what i fear still happened to me --- my friends started turning their backs on me.

and so the mark's finally set. and the continuous struggle can finally be resolved. new plans. new goals. new me. as they tell me, choices have consequences. and from that, i realise its never possible to please everyone as there's always some ego-maniacs out there all out to spoil the wonderful event. and yes, after all those bigtalks no action, it's finally down to business. study. o levels. and yes, revision starts today. although its true im still afraid of what lies ahead, the path im trudging seems to get darker by the second, yet a stronger sense of it wanting me to go forward. it's just beyond description.

im going to strive for my goals. study. exercise. friends. family. money. education. everything. to succeed is all i want. and people, i thought it over. ill give up smoking. its time for me to grow up. time for me to mature. that inner me, all ready to start shining... and its time i start living for myself.

lord.

2005-06-27T21:57:00.000+08:00

jeremy, zhirong, jeolinita, dominic, kalai, natasha, sandra, desmond, terence, zhiyang, albert, calvin, amanda, nicole, ryan, derek, alyssa, nicholas, jasmine, jonathan, glen, clement, choong, presley, shuyi and others that care.

so most of these people have been there and some showed they care. and yes, for them. i'll stop it. ( you guys know what im driving at ) i will, soon! but seriously, i dont know what im driving at. but that's not my main point.

lord, please bless all my friends. for tonight, it's eugene i want to pray for. yes, i dont know him well enough and weve only had small chats. but he seems to be drifting in a little world of his own. he seems sad, depressed and all. i dont know. but please lord, purge him of all his sadness. rid of all those sorrow in him.

once again, im praying for the desperate hearts tonight.

im so screwed.

2005-06-26T22:55:00.001+08:00

ok, so school starts tomorrow and ive to sleep soon. you know what? im so screwed. friends just told me that there's level test tomorrow and there's a chemistry test of something ive no IDEA of. im so screwed arent i? bah. and i frigging lost my timetable and my entire room is in a mess.

what more, i haven cut my hair. my hind way touching my collar. ok. for the third time, im screwed. lord, help me! hallelujah. what a good way to start off school. but anyway, im praying for the better. its the first day. and what the hell. my friend just told me JUST! that there's olevel's chinese oral in a weeks time. oh my god?! somebody kill me...

screwed max'

aftereffects

2005-06-25T00:31:00.000+08:00

aftereffects of shopping isnt really that pleasing. to be more specific, aftereffects of shopping alot isnt good at all. its killing me out. guilt! ugh. but today was the unfun-fun. yes. trying to desperate to find a cheap shirt so i could lan.

searched and searched. found one but ended up not using it. so crap la. but marche was nice. =) and paragon and takashimaya is so... i dont know. i hate these places now. especialyl armani exchange and ralph lauren. aah!! and to think i told em' im not even in the mood of shopping. crap. i almost got this versace jeans for 486 la. thank god i didnt.

but life's starting to feel so much better. its the camp i suppose. haha. and great new companions. great new friends. =) and my body's so aching now. i wish im in a massage parlour now. ok, i need my break. god bless all you homies!

im not for it.

2005-06-24T00:07:00.000+08:00

if you asked me, im against it.

and i think im getting myself all delusional. nothing seemed right to me today. everything went the total opposite. some call it fate? but thank god, June 23, 2005's over. no more mind-boggling events. no more mind-wandering actions. it feels as though ive just wasted another day of my life. its a long story i tell you.

but here i am again, praying for all the desperate hearts tonight. we've all passed 6months in the year 2005. time flies. it really does. but it still really gets me thinking why some people are so blissed they practically get everything they want wheras others even die trying but to no avail. oh god, give me the reason. im all down on bended knees.

technologic.

2005-06-23T00:49:00.000+08:00

buy it, use it, break it, fix it, trash it, change it, melt. upgrade it, charge it, pawn it, zoom it, press it, snap it, work it, quick. erase it, write it, get it, paste it, save it, load it, check it, quick. rewrite it, plug it, play it, burn it, rip it, drag and drop it, zip. unzip it, lock it, fill it, curl it, find it, view it, curl it, jam. unlock it, surf it, scroll it, pose it, click it, cross it, crack it, twitch. update it, name it, read it, tune it, print it, scan it, send it, fax. rename it, touch it, bring it, obey it, watch it, turn it, leave it, stop. format it.

ok, i give up. technologic. i need my style. i need my grace. im supposed to bring back the pieces together, but im not even near. determination? its not even picture perfect. i think ill just gross, crack and twitch update it. hmmm...

weird is the word.

2005-06-16T21:42:00.000+08:00

this few weeks have been really weird. i feel more sad, and yet at the same time, happier. ok, so everyone have been giving me the stares and the reprimands about smoking, but seriously, does it really matter that much?

i really cant think of much to write but ive decided to put aside my emotional thinking caps for once and maybe try a different way of blogging. its really weird though. like im trying to be formal and yet informal at the same time. such irony. this two weeks have been rather cool though and i sure did learn alot from that expensive, mind-taxing camp. oh, not to mention that ive made some really hot, cool friends. hope they wont be like those bastardy hypocrites. then again, i dont think they will cause they rock.

talking about more sad, i feel more weird after the camp. i dont know. im supposed to feel motivated to study and stupid stuff like that. no doubt bonds between me and alot of people were strengthened but hell, i dont feel the slightest motivation in studying. but anyway, i met new friends, both in and out of camp. haha, and i realised about some of the nastiest things people could badmouth about. pretty astounishing i tell you. however, ive been treating alot of people to eat and yes, im broke. and the hugeass pimple at the side of my nose really stings alot. grr...

anyway, this entry is actually meant for this dude ive met at akltg/iag. he seemed like a bastard at first, but hey! he's actually one of the nicest dudes you'll ever know man. pretty honoured. and after hearing his story. i really feel bad for him. but salute. i really honour him. can you imagine someone going through the shitiest of the shitiest and still remains optimistic?! im not even half as close. honestly, this is the first time ive seen such a person. i sometimes really feel very useless, comparing myself to him. he's taking everything in with no complaints. and here i am, bitching about how much life sucks. but hey! im not saying it doesnt now anymore k. it still does.

but ya, he's like younger and he's coping much better than me. im like god's greatest flaw. he's a really nice bro to have i tell you. even when his life is so messed up, he cares about all those around him. its like wow. not everyone's like that. or should i say, hardly anyone is like that. ok, i cant believe im praising him by truckloads and he'll probably be chuckling to himself if he hears about this. but hey hey! we can always go drinking if you want. im just a phone call away bud!

and to all the people out there, chill and take joy to the world. and edric, i still cant believe i bought those earphones. geez. peace out people and god bless. and ohoh, my bitch just gave birth again. 4 black sluts. lol. i feel so evil. but damn, they are cute/noisy.

they tell me ' its all in you '

2005-06-13T22:17:00.000+08:00

i need a huge break from life. absurd it sounds, but its totally true. so i took my cigs and headed to the playground and sat at one of the swings. there werent many kids around so my smoking session didnt really irritate any of them. i mean, such unhealthy lifestyles we singapores can have at times. but i guess we just have to accept life at times right?

persistence is no more than an ethical dilemma. it results in success, though many people go about the wrong way. people tell me if i dont give up, ill succeed. but giving up doesnt mean that ill lose. i just need to try harder again, some other time. i used to have this teacher whod tell me never give up. she tells me this world is no bigger than the size of the palm. seemingly big, yet easily to grasp. my friends and i always scoffed at that old teacher, what does she knows about us young generations to tell tales. but things to me, are easy to apprehend. yet almost impossible to have a upper hand at.

and here i am desperately in need of some persistence to get this piece of entry going and all that im thinking of are just the mindless thoughts echoing in my head of how much a loser and how much of a paranoial person i could be. but then again giving up wouldnt necessarily means ill lose right. i just have to try harder. so i look around and all that i see are tall brick buildings. it really is hard to look far for some inspirations from where we are right now. it really is a wonder that we dont get old that fast.

ive always wondered what its like being an adult. somewhere in me yearns the luxury and fun of being one where i can get to slash credit cards for all its worth. however, being old isnt really that great afterall. people sees you and expects you to have done something, achieved something. and so you run and you end up looking so far ahead, where you dont hear anymore. and when you dont hear, you wont care and when you wont care, this is where it all ends. your life has come to a complete stop. somehow, it really gets me thinking. but i really have no idea what i want in life.

and at times, i feel like a zebra. completely unknown to what i really am. constantly asking myself if i'm actually white with black stripes or am i just black with white stripes. a confusion of both.

it all ends the same way.

2005-06-12T01:09:00.000+08:00

of all the things i've believed in, i just want to get it over with. tears from behind my eyes but i do not cry. counting the days that pass me by, i've been searching deep down in my soul. words that i'm hearing are starting to get old and things have gone astray. but now, we've thrown it all away.

you know i'm not that strong. sometimes i'm sitting here thinking about life and the days i used to live life. i'm just wondering if people still care? but i'm gonna let everyone pass and i'll go last. then time will tell just who fell and who's been left behind. especially when people go their way and i go mine.

words exchanged now running through my mind. i've said too much and went too far. it's clear that there's nothing to be said as it all ends the same way. it all ends the same way. and like a bird, im flying away. not certain where my home is. just what have been going through my mind. i wonder.

praying. the desperate hearts.

2005-06-05T03:53:00.000+08:00

i kept the right ones out and let the wrong ones in. had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins. there were times in my life where i was going insane while trying to walk through the pain. when I lost my grip and when i hit the floor, i thought i could leave. but just couldn't get out the door. i was so sick and tired of living a lie. i was wishing that I would die. it's amazing with the blink of an eye that you could finally see the light. and when the moment arrives,you know you'll be alright. and a prayer im saying, for the desperate hearts tonight.

empty. is all i feel

2005-06-05T03:34:00.000+08:00

harsh words and hidden secrets that nobody knows. so many tricks and so many lies. burnt out, wasted, im feeling so empty. today is just yesterday's tomorrow. dont expect much for im warped and twisted. a simple void, is that what ive really become? the hollowed sphere on the pendulum swinging back and forth. am i just like it? never stopping and never ceasing motion. no reasons, no answers, no justifications. just passing through time as time passes me by. slowly i fade in and out of reality - my heart empty, my soul torn apart. wondering where i went wrong. i ask, i question, i fantasize. only to find there is no answer. leaving me anything not but empty.

im sick of it all.

2005-06-05T02:55:00.000+08:00

i'm sick of feeling lost. i'm sick of feeling like im wasting away. and i'm sick of not knowing what the future holds. i want to be doing something with my life, like i dream about as a kid. i want to be there, making mummy proud. and daddy, in heaven happy. i want to feel like i have a purpose in living life. its been too long since ive felt that way.

and its time for a change.

you seem to really have a hold on me.

2005-06-03T00:57:00.000+08:00

im totally out of my element, learning new ways to live. even when you're in a comfort zone, not even thinking. i thought, maybe if i started praying then we would get better. but whenever i start to pray, my answers would always come back to me, half done. we're both just so hard-headed. i told myseld that i would make some changes, but the more i change, there's one thing that always remember the same. i cant seem to shake you. you seem to really have a hold on me.

let me break it down. its not that i dont give a shit, but im just tired of this never-ending arguments. everynight i curl up in bed just trying to understand the complications. but as we both can see, it never got far enough. and since it never really bothered to you what im going through, so think what you like. im bounded to nothing anymore.

kev, the bestest bro.

2005-06-01T23:11:00.000+08:00

ok, so kev was nice to take me out for a spin in his new suzuki gti. had a talk, sat down. chat. and he really cheered me up. man, a 21 and a 16 year old. oh well. and ive decided to stop relationships for now. get over and done with everything ive left unattended or done halfway. and i think im high from the baileys. but chill people, i promised some of you. no more puffs and no more puffs itll be. but man, kev's probably the best bro ive had. he's like the only one that really treats me like a lil younger bro.

not like the rest who claims they do but they dont. but im satisfid with what i have now. and maybe i should learn to control my temper. you rock kev. thanks alot bro! one love, peace out! and boy, your driving was hot shit.

just when i thought the worst is over.

2005-06-01T21:13:00.000+08:00

just when i thought im all over you, you come again to wreak my world, spoil my dream, fuck my life. its just too much for me to bear. emotions just ran me down. 138mins of confusion just left me strandling all on my own.

and people are so nice to me only when they need something. otherwise, they just chuck me aside and treat as though i dont exist. what a wonderful world this can be. such nightmares. happiness is short-lived. and quit messing my life. such a torment. such a ...

whats life anyway with no one to share?

2005-06-01T15:14:00.000+08:00

and so here i am, fitting lazily in this pink chair of mine with emotions striking my mind, leaving everything ive been through to just being nothing but shadows of a dream. im losing my creativity. im losing my style. and most of all, im losing my grace. but at least my 45th depressing tone hasnt surfaced recently. that, definitely, is a change. but my question is, how long will it last. hmmm.

im stuck between hindges with many thoughts to share, yet filled with much uncertainties. its tearing me apart but how many trustable people are actually out there? and with chinese o's no longer being a hindrance in my everyday's life, i guess ill be able to cope with life somehow. im still managing. but... nevermind.

just about everything.

2005-05-28T02:18:00.000+08:00

so claire's probably right. i should just quit school instead of wasting my mum's time and money. she wasnt wrong in displaying how much of a loser i could be. neither are my friends in displaying the type of person people irked to see. perhaps thats why 80% of my friends just disappeared in matter of time. the monstrous me. whatever. and the reason im hating you so much right now is only because i loved you so much more.

back to square 1, ive lost what ive found. and i still cant take my fucking mind off you. spare me the agony. spare me the pain. spare me the torture. lord, please take me with you. im tired. and so is everyone around me. they are sick of me. i feel so hopeless. sighs.

you you you. fuck you.

2005-05-26T21:10:00.000+08:00

dont ever fucking tell me to love again. ive lost the faith in believing everything has its reasons. and since you said its better i leave you alone, then dont come finding me in times of troubles. i had it once. i wont fall for it the second time. im not your fucking pillar for you to lean on in times of troubles and forsake in times of luxury. no doubt life is hell just thinking about you but im sure hating myself for loving you will get me somewhere. hatred is far stronger than love. trust me. although it kills, its better of then being continuously deceived despite knowing its all a scam. dont get me started.

-asexual max-

scram. leave me alone.

2005-05-26T21:01:00.000+08:00

one step ahead and people start fucking me upside down. one step behind and people tell me i dont give a shit about them. now what the hell do you all want from me. fucking say it. and she even tells me im better off dead. now what did i do. even friends whom i thought i could trust turned their backs on me. people whom i thought trusted me executed doubts in them. just when i thought life turned for the better, darkness falls upon. someone tell me just what have i done wrong to deserve all this shit. and fuck, im not like those other guys there who break up with one and go with another in less than what, 2 weeks? fuck it. im on the verge of breaking down. fuck o level's chinese. fuck the world. fuck fuck fuck. and fuck you.

not that way.

2005-05-25T23:04:00.000+08:00

the confusions. the lies. the sins. the contradictions. and the thoughts of you. just what is this really all about? stop haunting me like there's no tomorrow and stop ignoring me like you wish pretence was that easy. its only been months and i dont know you well enough to judge. but certainly, i know im all bonkers over you. fuck, id be over the moon if youd just message me.

its you. you. you

2005-05-24T22:05:00.000+08:00

who knows what has gotten into me, but ive been neglecting my friends. very much. and to be frank, its you i cant seem to take my mind off. 24/7, visions of you just keep appearing in my head. i want to forget you but i cant. i want to hate you, but i cant. and i hate loving you. maybe im the shallow one here. maybe its not my friends that hasnt been giving me their attention. and maybe i should be the one with a whole new attitude change. but just thinking of you drives me nuts. i couldnt even fall asleep last night. are you even aware of it? doubt so. hatred of me is all that is, in you. life is just unfair.

already crazy i am, just trying to take my mind off you.

contradictions.

2005-05-23T23:42:00.000+08:00

humans with their lies and contradictions. hmm. but what doesnt break me only make me stronger. however cliche it sounds, i dont give a damn. but i should really listen to people and try understand how to live life enjoying rather than trying very hard to please every individuals which always results in stupid situations. whatever, come what may.

whatever.

2005-05-23T19:25:00.000+08:00

clearly understood people cant define boasting and helping but it doesnt make any difference now. think what you want. if you meant it that way, then its up to you. whatever. giving advice and boasting. check the dictionary for christ sake. and if pride meant that much to you, say so and ill shut my fucking mouth. 'friendship' hurhur and 3 months havent even passed.

so much for trying to help.

booey.

2005-05-23T00:00:00.000+08:00

the past few weeks seemed to have gone by meaningless-ly. and stupid it sounds, cause i couldnt stop thinking about you the whole of today. ugh. you just keep appearing in my mind.

randomised.

2005-05-22T03:40:00.000+08:00

im just lost for words. i dont know where to begin. its confusing me. its killing me. and i cant seem to take this pain away. im fading away. im sick of this life.

stop all this pretence.

2005-05-18T22:13:00.000+08:00

ok, so the papers' been marked and the scores' been tabulated. honestly, i have no intentions of letting anyone know about the results. but for the record, its pretty much the same as last year even without me touching the books. but then again, does it really matter?

so perhaps everything hasnt been really going in place and people have been taking joy to the silly weather out there. i dont know. my head is just filled with my 36th depressed tone and nothing else. talk about reality. but then again, with the stack-load of cds and the constant mesmerization, its hard to actually try to focus on chinese o's thats barely 2 weeks away. damn those temptations. a glance and i realised 16 years of my life has just flew pass.

ok, so i failed english. corrections, almost failed. but then again, whats the difference. i failed comprehension. i failed summary. i failed letter report. compo managed to let me pass though. writing writing. but summary was crap. i didnt even bother doing it. exams and their stupid long duration times. i mean, with such standards. how much possible is vjc now? this may seem superficial, but ar-ha -- there's more to it than just academics but i dont really wish to go into detail for that matter.

and now, people. everyone seem to be drifting, but then again - is it just me? friends whom i once held dear to all started turning their backs on me, spreading tales that dont even exist and leaving me all lost for words without even knowing the whole cause. what could get worse. rejections. words of hatred shot at you. your concern that was least appreciated. everything. for starters, you might go " yaya, he and his exaggerations again " that, however is to my least concern. why not give it a try being in my shoes. you all simply tell me there's others worse than me and im just putting too much thoughts into it.

heres an advice. whatever that can be seen are just superficial. deep down, emotions stirred and being ol' me. stop thinking a's rich cause he has this, he has that. and that b's popular cause he's known by d, e, f, x, y, z. whatever. you people just conclude when you feel like it. take joy in criticizing, take joy in insulting and start turning your back on whoever whenever you feel like it. absurdity i tell you. this simply means all men have only themself to fend for. i know, cliche it sounds. but doesnt it make absolutely 101% sense. maybe not to you who've not exactly been thru such situations. but to me, its second to none.

and for that matter. fuck relationships. fuck 'friendships' and their pretence. fuck promises and vows. to those who dont give a fuck about me, i wont give a fuck about you either. even if no one remembers when i cease to exist. im never regretting the fact i actually take satisfaction in loniless. at least it doesnt give me bullshit. and at least i, for that matter, wont get played out, ever again.

and going crazy i am. just thinking about you. fuck.

.

2005-05-16T22:19:00.000+08:00

so you dont actually benefit by helping others. its a gimmick i tell you. there indeed is no such thing as rewards. theyre all fake. just to tempt little children in helping out. im really tired of trying to be nice to every single individual and in return, just to get snarked at. people seem to take things for granted, only to regret after losing something. but no longer am i interested in making a difference. all the time trying desperately to please and end up getting pissed. it makes no sense.

and ive found out how untrue 'friendship forever' this term is. talk about friendship. talk about helping one another out. its nothing but bullshit. most of them just trying to make use of others to their desire. and fuck i have no idea what is going on in my head now, but i dont wish to continue. thinking about all this nonsensical events just made me head spin more. just do what you all deem fit. fuck messing my life. and im tired of trying to please every single one of you. quit beating around the bush. fucking just say im irritating if you meant it. geez, what don break me only makes me stronger...

no more mr.nice guy. this is it.

prelims. tomorrow. horrors.

2005-05-02T20:49:00.000+08:00

the weather kills. and ive been going to the club for swims lately. best cooling agent. believe it or not. someone came up to me while i was swimming. asked me to be a model. but im only 16. but whether its a scam or not. i dont care. haha. at least for the very first time. someone noticed my existance while others treat me like i don belong here.

prelims start tomorrow. the horrors. i need a good night sleep. been missing out on the many joys in life. and it got me thinking while i was in the jacuzzi. how can i make my life less torturous. i realised ive been a nuiscene. and my friendships usually only last for months. am i really that detestable. hmm. ive got to change or something. and im still figuring out why the hell am i not studying. although i did cover a little of physics. thats the only hooray part. but well. it was only 6 chapters.

and ...

forsakn, beneath the milkly twilights.

2005-04-18T20:00:00.000+08:00

here's to the good life or so they say. all those parties and games all those people play. they tell me this is the place to be, all these beautiful people and yet nothing to see. sometimes i feel like something is gone here, something is wrong here and i certainly dont belong here. sometimes i feel like a stranger in town. and ive lost all that ive found, just hoping itll all turn around. but with sights of money making the world go round, i definitely dont think so, and the world has turned to nothing but a black hole.

on the other side of the coin, theres a face. a memory i cant erase. and theres a place ill find someday, but sometimes i feel like its slipping away. some things are lost. some are left behind. some things are better left for someone else to find. and maybe in time, i can see and just wonder, whether anyone would remember me.

with heaven bent to take my hand, theres no where left to turn. im lost to those i thought were friends. and to everyone i know. they turn their heads embarassed, pretended that they didnt see. but its one missed step. and one slip before anyone realises it, there doesnt seem to be a way to be redeemed. and time always reveals the lonely light of morning. the wound that would not heal and the bitter taste of losing everything that ive held so dear. carrying the burdens on my back, i started off, only with good intents.

the world has ~~turned~~ its back on him.

tomorrow.

2005-04-04T20:58:00.000+08:00

ok, so this is for the benefit of those who haven chanced upon it. for my avid-blog readers ( if there are any ) you'd probably came across it before in my old blog. here goes... but before i proceed. i certainly hope you guys do not fall victim to the cruelsome rain. the rain that was gotten everyone upset, pissed and whatsoever. take care people. max loves you all.

after long and thoughtful consideration, i have come to a rather interesting conclusion. even though the global population is soaring into the billons, with thousands of religions, languages, philosophies, and cultures represented, ultimately, there are only two kinds of people. there are those who are certain the world is going to hell in a handbasket, and those who believe the best is yet to come. (actually, there is a third kind of person, who thinks traditional irish dance is the highest form of creative expression, but i really don't want to talk about them.)

now, it hardly takes a genius to point out that we already live in dangerous and uncertain times. why, all you have to do is turn on the tv, grab a copy of the newspaper, or just look out of your window. It ain't a pretty sight. best friends former allies are suddenly tearing at each other's throats, while unshakable economic powerhouses are crashing to their knees on a daily basis. you and i both know that good people get attacked in broad daylight all the time, but somehow the bad guys never get caught. it seems that everywhere you turn there are psychotic egomaniacs secretly trying to spoil your fun, drive you crazy, and generally make your life miserable. just for starters there are shop clerks with way too much attitude, doughnuts with too much icing sugar, unbearly long tap-dance routines in the middle of your favourite old musicals, and the dramatic aftereffects of a dangeroulsy authentic chili concarne that are made ten times worse because the public rest room doors never lock properly anymore!

of course, heatburn is nothing compared to heartache. even though we are frequently told that there are plenty of fishes in the sea, the truth is that most of us spend a great deal of your lives physically and emotionally isolated, feeling utterly alone. And if you do finally snuggle up to someone who seems perfect for you, you find out they snore so loudly that your dreams need subtitles. you just can't win! and if you listen to the professional doomsayers, they will tell you that's barely half of it. they say these are our darkest days, and the future looks bleaker than ever. they tell us again and again that evil lurks everywhere - in the streets, in the trees, in the media, in the air, in the water, in the corridors of power, even in your sock drawer - waiting impatiently to rise up when we least expect it and sink its venomous teeth into our most tender regions. and finally, they point out that at every office Christmas party there is always someone who feels compelled to do this! (sticking their tongue up their nose) "It's the end of the world," they shout. "It's all over!"

now, what i find so confusing is that if these stone-faced folk truly believe all the scary stuff they preach, why do they choose to keep on living? okay, i freely admit that choking yourself to death is not nearly as easy as it sounds, and i was surprised to learn that you can't actually kill yourself simply by overdosing on bran fiber, although you certainly will become embarrassingly regular. luckily, thanks to modern technology, putting yourself out of your misery has never been more convenient or affordable. Of course, if life really appears that unpleasant and meaningless to you, go see an eye specialist and then take a closer look. you will find that there is always beauty and hope in even the most awful circumstances. there is always someone prepared to help those who ask. there is always someone you can count on, and there are a million special moments that can chase the shadows from your face in an instant and will cost you nothing but a few spare minutes. furthermore, romance is not dead. in fact, there are actually more qualified tango instructors working today than at any other time in history. the odds of an unexpectedly intimate Jacuzzi encounter have also never been better. although it may not be right now, the wisdom you glean from your joys and hardships can always be shared with someone else and, by doing so, you will leave the world a little better than when you found it.

even though i think life is infinitely more preferable to the alternative, i'm not pretending it's always easy or enjoyable. the truth is that sometimes life is so damned hard it gives you a cramp in your brain just thinking about what you have to do to make it through another twenty-four hours. so it's no surprise that when they think about the future, a lot of people feel anxious, somewhat depressed, and generally confused and alarmed. even in the best of times there will never be a shortage of moaners and grumblers, but it's always fascinating to see how different people react during times of genuine uncertainty.

there are those who completely flip out at the very first rumor of trouble and start screaming, " The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" but when you press them for hard evidence to explain their panic, they admit they have nothing better to back up their position than what " a little bird told them." somehow, it never occurs to them to wonder how credible the little bird's source was in the first place. then there are the people who put on a big show about how they are not concerned in the least and know exactly what to do about everything, but when they are alone at night and the lights go out, they may well be the most frightened of all. there are also plenty of folk who are absolutely certain that the future is an extremely hostile place, no matter what you show or tell them. they stand ready to defend themselves from a million dangers every day, until eventually they become as hard, ugly, and cruel as the world they have imagined. and finally, there are the people who just want to dig an emotional bunker and jump inside. they think if they put up enough walls, they'll always be safe. the irony is that instead of locking others out, they are actually locking themselves in. they may avoid a few things that make life difficult, but in the end, they also miss out on all the wonderful things that make life worth living, and that makes about as much sense as practicing high fives on your own.

a far more reasonable approach is simply to put on the bravest smile you've got, and admit that you are not the center of the known universe. therefore, there will always be things you don't know and can't control. so when it's simply not your day and things get a little out of hand, as they invariably do from time to time, it's much more productive and far healthier to just sit back and enjoy the absurdity of the moment. this is not rocket science. it's just common sense that you should enjoy the bizarre fact that you live on a planet with at least six hundred unique flavours of ice-cream, instead of getting all worked up about the truly disgusting taste of "atomic lemon sherbet with licorice ripple." likewise, it's definitely not worth obessing about the intentions of all the sinister individuals who stalk the earth. when it comes to ne'er-do-wells who betray and hurt others for their own personal gain, their wicked ways eventually catch up with them. they pretty much always get what they deserve in the end. so in other words, a good suppot network is always valuable, but hiring personal bodyguards is probably going too far!

another reason why you shouldn't fear tomorrow is that although you probably aren't what you eat, you certainly are what you love. this means that who you really are is always accurately reflected in everything around you that is dear to your heart- your close friends being one obvious example. in this sense, it is fair to say that the world around you is a mirror. therefore you have a lot more control over the future than you might think, because you can shape your world just by being true to what you really care about. perhaps this will make sense to you, and then again, perhaps it won't. you might say, "Aha~ But how do you explain all the terrible things in my world that i don't want?" that, certainly is a valid question. and my answer is, irritatingly enough, yet another question: "What is that you truly want?" You see, it's what we truly want and love that influences the world around us, whether we admit it or not. for example, we often say we just want to be happy, when what we mean is we want money-lots of it. we say we want spiritual enlightenment and a higher sense of understanding, but what we really want are easy answers. we say that we want love, affectiong, and companionship, but what we really want is wild, passionate sex. we say we just want to be accpeted for who we really are, when we really wish we were a little more glamorous and had slimmer, firmer thighs.

as a rather wise person once said, "You can't fool Mother Nature." there are certain immutable truths in this world that you just can't talk your way out of. gravity will always get you down, belgian chocolates will go straight to your hips, and sticking your finger in the toaster when your pop-tarts are ablaze is always something that you'll regret. likewise, you must be very careful what you wish for, because you simply cannot lie to yourself and get away with it. when you are not honest about what you want in life, you hurt those closest to you and yourself most of all. think very clearly about what you care most about. what is it that gets you excited about being alive. what do you really want to do with the limited time that you have? what will your personal legacy be? but don't spend all your time dreaming about the future because the key to tomorrow is today. no matter what brilliant answers you have for life's important questions, ultimately what counts is that you break through the fears and doubts that hold you back and take action.

be your own cheerleader. do something that you never thought you'd ever do - live in the moment. keep in mind though, that someone else's greatest adventures could turn out to be your greatest nightmare. so follow your own road, wherever it leads you, one step at a time. your life journey is not a race or competition, nor is it a boring highway without exits that you must trudge along for eternity. embrace the unpredictable and go exploring for things that inspire you. take time out to enjoy the view. the fact is that one day, instead of waking up for breakfast, you find yourself drawn down a long, dark tunnel towards a bright and beautiful light, and your journey will have come to an end. in that moment, when your entire life passes by before your eyes, i really don't think you would care too much about the amount of money you made, the frequent-flyers miles you accured, the awards you won, the care you owned, the value of your stock, or the number of times you got your picture in the newspaper. instead, i believe the most important things in your life will probably be the smooches you shared, the nights you spent gazing in wonders at the stars, all the funny looking snow angels you made, the first drops of summer rain that caught on your tongue, and the time that someone special whispered, " I love you. "

don't waste the present worrying about the future. it will come soon enough-i promise. in the meantime, i suggest you keep your chin up, put your walking shoes on, and follow your heart to the ends of the earth. as you made this journey, always remember that each day is a precious gift. if you can enjoy it for what it is and make the most of it, then believe it or not, there is another extraordinary gift waiting for you...Tomorrow

negativity is absurd, claims bert

2005-04-02T07:53:00.000+08:00

all thanks to the re-instated first three months for JC admission. my life's so screwed. mid-year's approaching. 3rd may. guess what. if msh softball gets past quarter finals. competition ends on 30th april. hurhur. wish me luck people. ugh. but i'll try my best. i will. i promise you all.

and yes, i'll stop harbouring negative thoughts. i'm still trying to break through. wee. at least i've not been feeling stressed these few days. thank god.but im still pretty much into some pessimistic thoughts. some i repeat. so dont give me all the big hoo-has. just like what bert said. negativity is absurd. hmmm.

but max has his friends to thank. agree? agreed. yay-ers. tremendously cool people max friend's are. ok, i sound so kiddy. and derrick says i look like a sec1 kid when i grin. aye. he says its cute. but i define cute as ugly but adorable. so is that a compliment or what? haha. anyways, but i decided i'll just relent on figuring out how to construct a near-complete sentence and let flow to the mind. ok, here goes nothing.

albert. allester. alvin. celine. charmaine. claire. derek. hanloong. jeannie. jiayang. natasha. nick teo. nicole. phoebe. sandra. zhiyang. and and... many more. i just simply love you guys. i'm late for softball. heh. i should leave now. aye. i'll be back. pray i'll not get hit by the ball. okok, i know. stop negativity. lame max lame. ciaos.

lord jesus. please bless all my friends mentioned above. and yes, my other friends too. purge them from all their sorrows and sins like how you purged mine. i'm pretty much accustomed to the joy i've been experiencing. however. i'm still pretty much worried about my o's. i've not even started revising yet. and my mid's are like a month away. grant me strength. and bless my friends whom i love them all.

2005-03-29T21:36:00.000+08:00

insufficient sleep. something terribly undesirable. not to mention the heat from the sun that got me all sleepy. i cant help but yawn. not that im in any position to make judgements, criticize or of any sort, but im still pretty disgusted by certain affairs. affairs people tend to take matters into their own hands.

that makes as much sense as being responsible and not some twerp that deserves respect when he appears like oh-so-late for todays match. talk about punctuality. pfft. certain people just don have any command of respect. but im not mentioning names here. and talk about bus-driver reaching late. geez, what has the world become to.

id really love to know. but then again. the stress management managed its way around me, somehow. surprisingly, i hardly feel stressed at all today. but its just weird. a weird sensation. or rather something that got my emotions and feelings all jumbled up. twenty emotions. which makes as much sense as practicing high-fives on my own.

doesnt sound right. doesnt feel right. i just don feel pain hurt sorrow sadness right now. its as though my nerves are blocked. im what they call, numb. true or not. i've not a clue about it. and im adjusting to the new lifestyle. no, not the lifestyle of the rich and famous. something rather, rather interesting id say.it could perhaps be that i'm not accustomed to it. just yet.

and im missing not talking to certain of my friends. even my mum. my lifes all topsy turvy. i missed the young time. but i dont want to turn back the hands of time. i want to change something i believe is, of beyond hope. i want a new me. a less untolerable version of me. id love to apologize to these people due to my shortcomings. albert. alvin. derek. dominic. mum. lord jesus. help me. god bless all.

immediate help?

2005-03-28T22:13:00.000+08:00

people think they know me when they actually dont. they think my life is that great when its not. they tell me theres a thousand others out there longing to be in my position but its not true. so many tales. so many wonderful lies. i dont understand. but thats besides the point. ive already started to take things in my stride and not shit about every little setback i get.

this is because people find me bothersome. find me irritating. nicely said, they tell me theres plenty out there in a worse situation. long story short. they simply mean theyve heard enough shit from me and hints i should find someone else. yay-ers. and from now. ill just have this as my companion. my only companion i can confide in. but itll work. i believe so.

pretty amazing. ive already attended a stress management workshop. it worked somehow. he said i'm pretty stressed, a little over for a kid my age. but then again. exceptions do occur. and guess what. a phychiatrist appointment soon. after my nationals i guess. mums still at it. so perhaps i really am a child that needs specialist to take care of my life cause im defined as the eyesore to people and someone who cant take care of his own shit life.

and it definitely is not interesting being a dad just months before the big o's. sighers.i hate my life terribly. lord, purge me of all my sins. i want to be just me.

looks like it aint what i thought it is.

2005-03-26T22:44:00.000+08:00

and just when i thought everything was really going on perfectly fine. a pretty good day to start with. just thirty minutes afer i was done with my previous entry. great. everything starts to fuck up. and it starts becoming my fault. again. you people don even fucking give me a chance and all you all do is just pin point pin point. fuck la. quit picking on me just because i don retaliate. don push me to a corner i tell you. or does it really bring joy to you if i were to die as soon as possible. fuck it. what lies about this. what lies about that. so much for a happy ending.

ive had enough of your bullshit la. what have i done wrong to deserve such shit. yes yes. i screw your life up. yes yes. im a jinx. you don have to repeat that 239840238490 times. spare me the cruelsome torture. fuck it. and i should stop picturing happy endings in my head. they arent for real. fairytale stories. stupid stupid stupid. ive had enough. period.

a step taken. back.

2005-03-26T19:58:00.000+08:00

its pretty much astounishing to really understand how the human brain actually functions. the professional doomsayers always tell me its all to do with science. scientific explanations. hurhur. but im sure its way beyond that. disappointing but true, people do grow weary of things after some time. a change would do good for no ones ever satisfied with what they have. but that doesnt make as much sense as to allowing girls to dump guys as and when they feel like it. offensive but true.

as for me. im not pretty much affected by whatever these girls do with their lives. for a fifteen on going sixteen teenage boy, im pretty much happy indulging myself with friends, games and others. not that im enjoying the fact of being single and unwanted. i realised ive pretty much more to give a damn about rather than sulking bout being left on the shelf. but its ok. ill grow up one day, thats what bert said to me. probably my small little world cant last forever. then again. i had my fun bit of ignorance. and i thought its rather interesting to share abit or two.

i spent quite abit of time thinking rather than giving grace to sleeping. but its worth it. i realised instead of thinking this world is all out to ruin me. why not take a step back and enjoy the absurdity of the moment. yes yes, this sounds familiar. but for now, its the actual case. amazing huh. it got me thinking i really shouldnt tear the whole place down with sorrow, sulking at every little thing i get my hands on. it definitely aint a sight. it wont be a breeze i know for sure. but at least im a step closer to ending this trudging journey. ive taken my very first step.

i hope ill bring more fun joy and laughter rather than the usual case in times to come. afterall, life is really too short for people like me to stop and think about the consequences in life. the before and after effects. its too short to endure in moments of solitude and torment and to think about how unfair my life is. im trying very much to step out of these entangled maze, out of these four walls. bert once said. didnt know he could learn so much out of someone younger than him. however. i didnt know i could actually acquire so much out of someone older than me. yes yes. it sounds weird. but all along, ive always classified adults speeches as plain bullshit. heh.

if i could turn back the hands of time

2005-03-21T19:39:00.000+08:00

heartfelt words. if i could seriously turn back the hands of time, perhaps things will all be different and you'd still be mine. but both you and i know its impossible. i did you wrong. but i'd love to know how i could make up to you. day by day, the guilt in me strengthens. and on the other hand, vivid images of you don stand as strong. its already starting to fade. something i really wish won't happen. i'm already missing it.

the warm sunlight present showed visible signs of dust dancing all around. that however, wasn't of my main concern. its all that's been revolving in a weird manner. nothing in life feels the same anymore. its like i think i got alot of friends, but i dont hear from them. and what's another night all alone. sometimes i think too highly of myself, for which i get disturbingly offended by myself. and i'm not liking every single second of it.

a week of holidays didn't really settle me in. didn't give grace to find the inner me. moreover, i'm feeling more stressed. my head's messy all inside. i need a brain scan. i need a whole new makeover, mentally. it has deterioated further when i thought i couldn't go any worse. but nevermind. i think i'm getting the hang of it. i'd love to take a break from softball. take a break from school. retreat to some place where solitary prayer is joy.

i need help badly. maybe like what nicholas said. i need self-esteem courses. any advice? and o's seem to make things worse. such killjoy.

considerably unacceptable.

2005-03-11T20:14:00.000+08:00

i stopped for a minute down the road and thought. what's waiting for everyone at the other end. why is everyone always in a rush, so hurrily trying to pace against time. isnt it that the harder you try to finish up everything. the faster youre closer to death. well, thats probably by far, the best conclusion i can think of. it just makes no sense. but then again, very much to my great disappointment. especially of what has been happening in the past few days. unorganized events.

school has been a chore. not as though it never was. but time seemed to pass extremely snaillike. intolerance setting in. i can hardly taste the air of the once intersting atmosphere. im forgetting how it feels like to be packed 24/7. its to everyones shame that im wasting my youth away. i always reckoned we only live once, but the one whole lifetime is too long for me to handle. im falling behind.

its getting more of a bore now. constantly trying to occupy my time. only to give me a damn cramped up brain just having to think about what to do to get through the next twenty four hours. it doesnt work. my mind has already gotten all the connections wrongly. emotions ............

aahh fuck. im just not in the mood to blog. i cant focus my mind properly. stupid school and its stupid organisation. drown me in the abundant skies. i need my rest.

flyaway.

2005-03-07T21:35:00.000+08:00

what a day. id love to fly away from here, to somewhere far beyond imagination. its been of some time, and yet certain things still hang vividly against the backdrop of my mind. just like a brilliant play with the rich navy blue velvet curtains all ready to glide closed across the stage. its a never-ending situation i say. and ive been emotionally unstable of late. being very unhappy lately but still, i dont have all the time in the world to entertain all the nonsense ive been getting. to go figure out whos been lying and whos not. i don give two fucks about it. not that im feeling guilt-free, but i've way better things to concentrate on.

i feel so stupid. to the extent to even try understand the complications of many nonsensical issues. and theres a whole lot of questions in the air id like to ask all that around me. the awful truth. but people are still darn well very good with their words, making a whole roundabout just to tell me abc and 123 dont coincide. despite me giving the benefit of a doubt in me, with my intuition being right all along, i got played. stupid stupid me. i guess i just have to see things from a different way, others point of view. not my own the very least.

and to top it all. confusion. its as though a mixture of both could go any worse than this. somedays i feel like im getting better and somedays i dont feel as insane. but then i realize how temporary this feeling can be. some people say im just obsessive compulsive. some people even tell me im suffering from an anxiety disorder. others say its depression. but to me, its more like im running from my own madness and confusion. from my own tangled mind. i dont want out of my skin, i want away from my mind. then again, you and i both know its physically impossible.

for scientist never gotten any richer than this.

shadowed chaos.

2005-03-06T20:17:00.000+08:00

well i've got a spare few minutes, so i figured i could actually post a blog entry of reasonable length and depth. so many things have been going on in my uneventful life that i really dont even know where to begin. im growing up, in more ways than one. and somehow i do not seem to be lacking in doubts of myself. i want out, reality bites. sad really. in fact, i seem to be slacking and neglecting some of the things that truly matter in my life. friends being the most definite.

things have been nothing but shadows of a dream. subconscious with the feeling of strange sensations, somewhat unconscious yet relaxed. what a pleasant nightmare i've been experiencing. and everytime i give grace to closing my eyes. another vivid surprise just comes to mind. its like another life waiting for me with chapters unfinished. all fading whenever i see daylight once again.

i struggle to understand myself. struggle to search the inner me. my brain constantly at war with my shattered heart, only to be on par. id love to set my own pace and leave behind time. i wonder. i fantasize. i question. i question myself many times. more than one can imagine. but still, only to be left stumped, without a clue.

life and its wonders, whats there in store for me after truding along a boring highway with no exits for eternity? i live life for tomorrow. i live life for others. is it worth while to wait? today, tomorrow. what difference does it make anyway. seriously, everyone says tomorrow will be a better day. but sometimes, instead of leaving the situation all alone. i repeat the same mistakes, over and over again. don't you people reading this think i'm stupid. instead of correcting my mistakes, i 'run' along with it. hence the result of my unsettled state. its probably due to the poor judgements and bad choices i make and have in life. i said it before. and i want to say it again. reality really bites. i want out.

i just want to live in my own little world where i dont have to grow up and experience the hurt and pain adults do. id love to enjoy exploring for things that will inspire me. perhaps take time out to enjoy the view, reminiscing on the smooches i shared, the nights i spent gazing in wonder at the stars, the first drops of summer rain caught on my tougue and especially the time when that someone special whispered, 'i love you.' come dance with me in my own little made up world where ignorance is probably by far, considered the most blissful thing.

any takers?

take me away.

2005-03-03T21:01:00.000+08:00

ok, today really sucked. not that any other days have been rather interesting. ok, quit asking me why my life's so fucked up 24/7. not that i want to. i'm just pessimistic. it's my nature. and probably i'd have felt better had i join scouts. i'll probably learn how to untie knots. hurhur, lame max. lame. move on. it rained. yet again. or rather, it poured. really heavily. and the big hoo-ha about not going for the competition due to the terrible weather actually came out just fine. everyone went.

the ground was wet. it was muddy. but nevermind about that. the commencement of the match was a last minute decision. naturally, no warm-ups. how interesting. and getting your boots and slacks all muddy for no apparent reason certainly wasn't entertaining. stupid match. stupid opponents! no, not that i'm looking down on em. but honestly. they lack sportsmanship. fancy wanting a fight after the match. like jesus! oh well, glad the minor tremor didn't turn into an earthquake. and i've decided to put my crayons one drawer higher. talk about civilisation.

i'm still missing my phone after close to a week. rather ironic i'd say. i don't really hate those that stole my phone anymore. long story short. i still hate myself. and everything that revolves around me. and that's as much as betraying mummy's trust once again. ok, i'm not naming people here. i said THINGS. not FRIENDS. but that's a rather controversial issue and i certainly have no wish of progressing further into that. enough rain have gone into my head. and talking about rain makes my blood boil.

it reminds me of the stupid uncivilised people that wanted a fight. i'd love to give them the finger. not just any finger. not the thumb nor the pinky. not the one with the ring on and certainly not my index. it's just the very one that i always put when i don't give a fuck. _l_ if it wasn't for the thought of having to run 30 rounds should coach come to learn about what i did. i won't hesistate. honestly.

but most importantly. to bert. take care man! maybe when i join scouts and learn to untie knots. i'll help you with yours once i'm done with mine. haha, lame i know. that's just me. loseristic. but honestly. technology don't progress for nothing mate. take care. and quit pondering over silly issues that gets you all depressed. ciaos

and i wished someone'd take me away from this empty apartment.

forsakn.

2005-03-02T21:57:00.000+08:00

dont need no hateration, holleration.

today wasnt any exception. rain. a pretty bad one. to the extent clothes didnt get their chance to take joy in the sun. and neither did i. not that im fussing about the breezy wind during lessons on the seventh floor. but humidity sucks. it really does. ive not been made victim to the humidity for a long time. just having beads of perspiration streaming down my face makes my day worst. minutes after shower would indicate the time for another shower. i need some balance here.

anyway, that's beside the point. but i'm not even near to figuring out what point i'm trying to perceive out here. everything just seems so blur. with addition to the aircon that's getting me all sleepy. aint in the right state of mind to think. hot cold cold hot cold. but yea, i was clearing part of my room. chanced upon many things which brought back certain memories. some for the better. some for the worse. i wish i hadnt chanced upon them. honestly. and the adrenaline rush i once used to get over certain matters i took hold of, now seemed to have fade away. everything seems to be interlinked. not to forget the good however. the many many bottles of cologne that i couldnt find ages ago has finally been discovered. that's a good thing. but the bads that its all covered in dust.

that proves one point. theyre all dirty. and can never be in top notch conditions as the ones that arent dirty at all. no matter how hard you try to clean. it just never is the same again. i hope i'm makin sense here. cause im still in a state of disappointment. greatly. good for you if you understand. but that certainly is not all i have to say. but at least my collection is increased. and i wish i wasnt forsakn.

embrace the unpredictable.

2005-02-28T19:54:00.000+08:00

this year has been excellent. only one thing that irks me- its the weather. rain, rain and more rain. i love the rain, not that im complaining or anything but there's gotta be some occasional sunlight around here, or at least on sundays. for relaxation purposes of course. and frequent weather change is the result of me falling victim to colds and chills. and i personally do not favor that at all, much less appreciate falling sick. ok, i lied. this year is far from excellent. not even close to a good start. yes, you don't have to rub the incident of my losing my phone for the second time again in. it ain't a pleasant sight.

The tick-tock indicates the silence all around. without another soul in sight. even during the wee hours of the night. i struggle with my vision while the screen starts to blur. Insomnia. thats whats keeping me out of bed. that's what that has been contributing to the dark rings. im not sure myself if im just experiencing from pure exhaustion or what but my eyes seem to be fighting against my will to keep them unshut. or maybe im due to the extreme point of being lethargic, i dont feel anything. However, it's odd. im thinking perfectly well. my thoughts seem to run well and so does the drive in me to finish up this entry. but body doesnt seem to be in agreement, it hasn't been functioning in a very good state recently.

Night definitely beats the day, at any point of time. I however, liked the stars tonight. there arent many to fill the sky but just a handful enough to wear a smile upon my face. despite the many miles away from where i stood, that powerful glow made the stars more outstanding than anything, while everything else became oblivious to the eye. especially that sparkle that shone brightly when they twinkled, somehow eased the pain in me. it made me happy.

And my thoughts have been running in full stream lately, almost driving me nuts now. Issues about my future, O levels, work and many others more. not to dismiss the ponders over silly little heart affairs. i can't determine what's best and what's not. and sometimes life is so damned hard it gives me a cramp in my brain just thinking about what ive to do to make it through the next twenty-four hours. and they always tell me it's more productive and far healthier to just sit back and enjoy the absurdity of the moment as this is not rocket science. taking heed wasn't much of any difficulty till they ended with " embrace the unpredictable ". tell me now, what am i to do.

retardation is kicking in now.

what a week

2005-02-25T23:06:00.000+08:00

yay. so many things happened since i last updated. second phone lost again. samsung. i'm jinxed. and fancy me getting all happy over all these stupid things that took place. i'm sadistic. i'm a fucked up krap. telling you now, i'm dammn racist now. all thanks to those muds that stole my phone k. and stupid dennis koh that kept us back for bag check cause of some assholes that steals. what the fuck is wrong with this world and people stealing things. human nature. so much for this world being near perfect. humans spoils them all. just wish these senseless bastards would learn to be more educated. do nothing but steal. steal steal steal. grow up la!!!

lust, greed. whatever. to hell with those assholes. they don't derserve to live. and thanks to these no life losers that steals and lacks moral value, mum's pissed with me. wow. but at least i've got my subsituite sim-card already. and don fuck with me and saying it's my fault this it's my fault that. you guys make it seem as though i WANT to lose the blardy fucking phone. like geez, c'mon. who can be more bo liao then that. fuck this shit. blah.

no one ever gave a fuck about me.

I'm feeling numb

2005-02-15T21:46:00.000+08:00

when will those feelings of mine surface again? im already missing it. i feel cold-blooded. something in me felt amiss since forever. inside, so dark and empty, like a black hole. im losing grip of everything that i once felt passionate for.

i've lost touched with my emotions

i cant determine if it's a good or bad thing. there are always cons and pros in situations like this. i love to stop feeling at times, yet at that exact moment, a yearning to sense is the first thing on my mind. my nerves are probably blocked, or perhaps my brain's dead. it's not i feel sad or anything. i don't. there's just not a single emotion in me right now. i'm like being stripped off of my emotions. i'm just awake. my eyes blinking. heart beating. still breathing. i guess i need immediate help, but where? no offence to anyone, but at this very moment. i feel as though i don't need any friends. i'd love to be taken away some place far away, break connections with everything. no, i don't want to die. i just need my space. to breathe. my space to conqueor things i daren't now. i need it, badly. i'm a victim of certain circumstances. and i don't know why you all just won't believe me. just won't.

magical is perhaps, by far the prefect vocabulary to describe the process of chemistry working through my mind and soul right now, triggering that 'emotion' in me to feel a certain mood, an uncertain mood. it's a complicated element. easy to understand, yet almost impossible to have a upper hand at. perhaps i just need to be childish. live in a moment where emotions were just as simple as happy/sad. talking was as good as crapping. and learning was just 1,2,3. a,b,c. i should pack my bag now. i need a new place. seriously.

lord jesus, i don't know what has come over me to make me feel the way i do. i certainly have no wish to return back to the once, me. there was a time i'd always think of myself before others. i had my retribution. another time, i had others put before me. i was taken advantage of. now i don't know whether it's for the better that i feel completely numb. there hasn't been a slightest change of emotion in me today. i felt the same 24/7. probably that's how the arguement b/w me and mum sparked off. but honestly, up to this point. i really have no more wish of doing anything more. i'm tired of having put up with all this. people always say everyone goes through the same stage. then just take it i can't handle such trivial task assigned to me. lord, i'd wish to be stronger. but i don't wish to gain anything else thru the expense of my friends. i don't wish to hurt no others further. i've decided to forsake all ties. i've hurt enough people. i don't wish to hurt another. spare me the agony of having to go through it once again. spare me the hurt and pain of making me feel like the evil man. i want to run some place far. far, far away. not to start a new life. just to run away from reality. i'm tired of it. guess alot of us are. then again, perhaps i'm just not strong enough. please take care of my friends though. they need your strength. i promise i'd do anything for them. just not to be seen. please lord. i beg you. take me away from all these insanities.

Valentine's day

2005-02-14T23:43:00.000+08:00

i typed a long entry. real long one. it disappeared. i got fuck. today sucked. the starting and ending of the day. meeting up with friends rock. i'll fill you all in another day. i feel fucked up. fuck valentines. i'm broke. i give up. lost my amaths book. my tummy hurts. why is everything going against me.

go to hell max. go to hell zach. grrr. what's with me. coffee, dinner, lessons. school. home. alone. WHATEVER.

coffee. hot chocolate.

2005-02-13T00:14:00.000+08:00

Alvin rocks. Dominic rocks too. Rubber? hmm, of course. he rocks too. so does jude. so does derrick. and lucas. and... hmmm yea. derek cai! charmaine, jeannie, charlene. still.. hmm. grace! phyllis! debra!. hmm, jiayang! zhiyang! nicholas teo. erms. all those i know in maris stella. hmm. weeee. take care guys. love you all. and i still can't get my mind over you. ipmhiosesbue.

alvin rocks my world. he went shopping with me! i saw this mont blanc watch i wanna buy. mama gonna get it for my bdae present. 3 over thousand. i'm shagged though. tired. wee. take care vinnypoo! you look shagged too. and training sucked. my and jiayang train halfway started breaking out cold sweat. down with flu people. take care jiayang! you rock dude! lunch gave me food poisoning. hurts so bad. and charms owes me DINNER! and yoou jeannie! quit skipping jap class. DEREK! i never ps you in town k. so don anyhow say. haha. i helped yoou! and wee, and i'll see you on monday!. yawns. Crystal: i'll think about skipping school on tuesday. so i can stay your house on monday. haha. it's not confirmed though. wee. your princie wants to study >.< and to all the others. max loves yoou.

but he loves vinnypoo and dompopatoo most! yawns. jiggsters. my mind's spinning. i've bloodshot eyes. not enough sleep. i'm acting weird. i'm feeling weird. but i still love you guys. and over intake of coffee has risen my b.p agains. neverminds. my medicine don't seem to help. tummy hurts. body aching. mind's drained. physically shagged. brain's dead. hmm, save me.

made myself clear.

2005-02-10T22:10:00.000+08:00

nothing particularly extraordinary for a thursday. doing the same routine in my past times, stoning in my pink chair, wondering about the pros and cons of every single situation i've came across with. it was then i noticed a rather intersting notation that set my mind to it. it read " life's never fair in this world. you've got to learn to live with it. " after serious contemplation, i realise this makes much sense as ice melting at room temperature. alvin once told me " all in life is fair. your strength could be others weakness and others strength could be your weakness " you never can have the best of both worlds. at first, i believed in that " so -called " prophercy. it seemed too true to find any flaw from that. but now. the visual images of a better day is like thawed ice. anyways, learning to live with life seems rather easy. most of the 6,417,900, 000 over people right now are accepting the way life is. perhaps a mere 5% are not.

but if all in live is never fair, why do some get better priviledges than others. why do some get the benefits others don't. why some live longer than others. why some experience more fun than pain compared to others. and why do some not have to worry how to survive the next 24 hours while other live in fear of what's to happen the very next minute. i'm not a roman catholic nor a christian, but others always tell me god has plans for every single one of us. hence, the different departure time and different abilities. some is within your control. other's are not. but to me, it's still not fair. the good gets robbed in broad daylight all the time and somehow, the bad guys never get caught. such irony is that when you visit the theatres. you always come across a whole different story. the bad guys never could escape. and the good guys always win. but the truth is, you just can't win. maybe you'll feel more compelled by just sticking a tongue right up your right nostril than to battle over something that seems so difficult to get. for me. happiness is what i seek. i just can't seem to find it. years of heartful searching.

people always tell me. it all begins with myself. learn to love myself before others can love me. but talk is cheap. real cheap. ok, it's stupid to say i've grown up with a fatherless past, or rather just a dad who've companied me this journey for a mere 9 years. cause many others weren't as fortunate as me to have such a loving dad. but it's not me that i'd say god has been unfair to. it's mum. although it indirectly means me. i feel the pain more than anyone can ever experienced seeing mum like that. i try to love her. but it's not as though people don't know me and my -ah-fuck-you-attitude. i'd blow up at the slightest moment. she's tied down with work. every time i see in her eyes are just tiredness. i'd love to be there for her. but it's beyond my control. i'm just someone gone unrecognised. a bastard taking up space and oxygen. nothing more. sometimes, i hear mum crying in her bedroom. i dare not enter. i dare not comfort her. i'm such an asshole. i hate myself so much. i can't be there for my friends, let alone mum. i hate myself for letting all my friends down. from today onwards. i shall isolate myself. prevent the dull atmosphere from spreading. happiness spread. so does sadness. i've learnt my point.

and clement made a rather intersting conclusion about life being a puppet show i'd like to add. he said he wonder how can he ever break free from the absurdity of life. i told him, he can't. we humans are like strings attached. god's taking us all for a rollercoaster ride. if we try the break free, it's like jumping off the roller coaster. it's attempted suicide! and he continued with the fact as least we still get to do whatever we want to. i thought about it. and this was what i replied. being free is rather contradictive to what the society could provide to us. if everyone were free like what he proposed. this world won't be what it is today. for the better or worse, no one knows. i can't forsee the future. i'm no superman. and neither am i any commoner. i'm just... another loser that walked this earth.

and the second day of lunar new year proved no better. happy lunar new year they tell me. how do i reply. i can't celebrate new year. i can't receive angbaos. but i can't possible go " fuck lunar new year. fuck the rooster. i'd rather chicken meat than anything else right now " i can't. although i did, 2 days back. sorry about the nasty remarks.
anyways, just hope everyone i know had a great time these few days. sorry if i made your day any worse, but i can't help it. all the negativity in me and NO! debra, it's nothing to do with electrons. i ain't no physicist. and i'm glad alot people are getting on with their lives. allester has taken a change for the better. glen has decided to remain optimistic. and i'm still constantly trying to find the tied knot in me. grant me some hope. i hope. i was telling desmond i'm not afraid to die. i'm serious. if it wasn't for mama to remain so brave. i'd probably leave this world. i don't want another heart-wrenching scenario for her. she's been thru enough hardships. and still is. she should be retired by now, but she's still slogging for the better comfort of me and my siblings. i'm speechless. really am.

and now, here i am. alone at home. i stare into the dark hallway, all i see are just halluniciations and thoughts about stupid things. the songs playing just sinks me into despair. i hate to be alone. but can i really help it? it's always empty. i' m always home alone. i'd love someone to cuddle up to me and tell me it's not the end of the world. i'd love to have someone to hold and have that special someone to whisper in my ear " i love you ". i'd love to have someone to accompany on valentines. but as the seconds tick away. my chances get slimmer. the path of hope draws further. not only am i sinking into despair. so is all that around me. and honestly. i don't wish to drag any friend of mine into such complications. it's not a good sight. heartfelt words. i guess i shouldn't remain part of the jiggsters. sorry. and pardon my absence, come what may. let me take a step back and close my eyes, not giving attention to all the sinisters around me. let love fill the air without me. god bless all and may god be with you.

Lunar New Year. what a day.

2005-02-09T23:39:00.000+08:00

what a festive season. it has lost its atmosphere. there's no more fire crackers to set off. there's not much life in this custom anymore. many wonders why people still do it. for the sake of collecting angbaos or taking this very moment to catch up on all relatives. it really keeps me thinking. although it's true people tend to bend towards the greedy side. but there surely are exceptions. not everyone's after money. not everyone's the same. but seriously. lunar new year makes no different to me then to any other day. i'm after neither. not meeting up with relatives. and definitely no, not just for the sake of money. there's nothing left of me to catch up with relatives, let alone friends.

i admit it's my fault for throwing tantrums at everyone. not that i've cooled down. i'm still very much the same. the sharp pain of fire still deep within me. people ask me whether i'm alright. if i say no, i can't really give em a clear exact answer why. if i said yes, any fool would know i'm lying. ok, i'm not here to flaunt the temper of mine that can reach the highest high and the lowest low. i sometimes really can't be serious when i started grumbling about how bad life is. cause i always tell myself to be positive. ok, not to the extent my dear friend lucas is. at least troubles don't really pull him down. as for the nonsensical truth i've displayed yesterday. i'd like to comment it wasnt just big talk. i'm serious. every single word of it. ok, maybe not EVERY. but most of it.

and for those who've been constantly trying to cheer me up, i'm really thankful for all that you've done. it's not that i do not want to co-operate with you all. i'd love to be just as happy as any living being on earth. the problem is i just can't. glen / rubber / alvin / derrick / derek / zhiyang / irving / allester / sandra /jeannie / charmaine / nicole / and many more. really appreciate everything. as for the jiggsters. despite me knowing you guys for only these few months. i'm already contended. but it all has to end somewhere. i'm sorry glen. but i'll give it a second thought. enough burden's enough and nothing comes from nothing. and top it all, every beginning has an end. it's just a matter of time. derek, thanks for the skin. i'll put it up when i'm free. do the amendments and all. if stress don't kill me. you'll see it up soon. glad meeting you at paragon yesterday. but mood swing got the better of me. i wasn't exactly in the right state of mind. (not as though i ever was) but hope you'll understand.

first day of chinese new year's over. i want school to start. i can't take the loneliness cooped up alone at home. i can't take the quietness that brings back stupid memories. i want to break free from the inner barrier of me. take charge of the world with my hands, and yet, not be the center of attraction. and admit there are certain things in life i just can't control, while i sit back and enjoy the absurdity of the moment. if things really turn out the way i want them to be. i promise. with my life on it. that i'll treasure EVERY. and i do mean EVERY single one of my friends. to have to hold. i'll never forsake any one of them. irregardless of what's to happen or has happened. i want to have all the sad thoughts put behind me. i don't want to live in solitude. live in despair. but can i? after months of trying. it's to no avail. friends. i'm depending on you. giving me a new start. and pray illness don't get the better of me. my life's shortened already. i don't want it to go further. and i'm sorry. for whatever i've said / done to any of you guys.

and then again. i guess i'm rather contradictory. cause all i want to do now is close my eyes. take a break from everything. lose touch with the world. be cold-blooded. for the time being. sorry dominic. sorry alvin. sorry glen. sorry charmaine. sorry jeannie. sorry charlene. sorry desmond. sorry derrick. sorry jude. sorry jiggsters. sighs.

Sorry.

2005-02-09T02:48:00.000+08:00

Enough preachings. Enough persuading. Such absurdity to the contradicton of the situation, but he really can't deny what's going on all around him. It's all too noticeable. And making happiness out of other's expense will certainly not get him far. Max is tired. Max is drained. both mentally and physically. he tries his very best to mingle around with his friends. people who've brought hope/life/happiness in his life. people who've always been there for him, and still are. but he seems to be getting unappreciative of all that's given to him. not that he wants to. he just can't keep up with what god's putting through for him. superficially, everyone thinks he's bragging about all the sorrowness he feels, exaggerating about every situation now and then. no one takes his words for it. they act like they do. but they don't. just only so he won't feel sad. but no, he's not that dumb. he can feel. and with the 101 different type of emotions he's feeling at any one time isn't helping him much either. he wants to hang on. he wants to be part of the group. he wants to be as happy as any other living soul on this earth. he's tired of all the constant dragging down. he's had enough of all the weird thinkings in his mind. but these persistant thoughts just won't purge out of him. day by day. it drains him more. he gazes upon the starry night. and seeks solitude out of everything. evil has won the battle. and the angels have left him. even now, family don't seem much of an option here. death forsees him. and fuck chinese new year.

dear lord,

i don't mean to cry the moment i'm all alone at home, coop up in this no bigger than 200 sq ft room. the darkness of the room, with the comp being the only source of light just gets me all moody. guess i'm just not strong enough for all the setbacks you've given me. but why make my lif e so miserable. i'm not saying you're doing it on purpose. i know there's a reason for everything. but i honestly cannot take the kind of tension i'm facing now. deep inside my head, my mind, weird santanic voices keep replaying over and over. and honestly, i've no idea where that came from. people say i feign pity. i feign loneliness. but do they really know what's happening in my life. superficially, i look perfectly normal, to them. someone who goes on living everyday. enjoy life as a teenager. but they CERTAINLY have no idea what's beyond the flesh and bones. it's not that they're not smart enough to look beyond the beyond. it's just that they take everything for granted.

and i think about all the loved ones that left me. the complications of my family. my dad. my mum's emotional pain. everything. and the way my siblings are going. i've really nothing more to say. i'm not asking for anything now. i just want you to take me away from all these pain, all these troubles. i want to close my eyes. never to wake up again. i'm way shagged. i can't sleep at night. and the stupid sickness of mine. and the thought of dad just bring tears to my eyes. it's not that i want to, but i can't help crying. it seems stupid for a 16 y/o boy to cry, but it's beyond my control. i feel his presence around me all the time. when 'm out. when i'm at home, all alone. or when i'm in school, thinking about how to survive the next 24 hours of my life. it seems really stupid, but i've broken into pieces. never to be fixed back again. however, in absence of my presence. lord. please bless all those around me. my family. dominic, alvin, desmond, glen, derek, derrick, sandra, charmaine, charlene, jeannie, everyone. and perhaps with the absence of max will bring joy to more people. i'll stop being a pain to others. i'll stop acting like i'm the centre of attraction. i'm trying to get some rest. and i hope i get it. please lord. bless my family and friends.

Yesterday.

2005-02-06T14:09:00.000+08:00

these people rock my world. and noel pangsehed us. flight of the phoenix was good. could have been better though. but someone else wasn't actually paying attention to the show. hmm, valentine's approaching, so is cny. what a year for me. nothing exciting. not to mention the big O's. but at least i got to hang out with some awesome people. life's just the way it is.

happy birthday mama!

2005-02-05T11:20:00.000+08:00

such amazing how cruel this world is, there's still a few who's genuinely there go lend a helping hand. i once believed no true friends really existed. my past few friends couldn't be trusted. well, a few were, but we gradually lost contact. human nature. hmm. anyways, it's real glad to realise now that i'm not alone. anyways, the jiggsters REALLY rock. like totally. they helped me when i was injured yesterday. stupid cross-country. but at least i managed top 10. haha. could have been better. but bah, lazy to go into details. and yesh! my bestie derek rocks too! he created a blogskin for me. only i haven seen it. wahaha.

mum's birthday today. happy birthday mum. bah, she cried just now. ugh. but she looked lovely with the present i got her. lala. cost a bomb. but i don't care. it's for my dearest mama in this whole entire universe. she rocks my world. i admire her spirit. weee. and it's from my savings. not her money. no point getting her money form my allowance. dinner tonight. wee. and for now. imma go meet alvin(who treated my injury! thanks man), dom(who offered to help me carry my bag and all, you rock!), rubber(the dao-er! but i still like you all the same. so it's ok! haha) and others. lala.

anyways. dom rocks. alvin rocks. rubber rocks. derek rocks. nicholas rocks. jiayang rocks. terence rocks. you all rock my world =) ciaos.

superficially alive.

2005-01-31T21:57:00.000+08:00

"it's the end of the month, it's the end of the month," this thought that kept reciting in my head. i guess i've taken a wrong path again. not something i want to mention. but as the second ticks away, i'm nearing my O's, something real undesirable. then again, i've months more to spare. not to mention chinese new year that's approaching real fast. just hope the year of the rooster would be better. prosperity for all, but all i wish is just the good health all my friends will get to enjoy. even if it means having to take a part of me to repay the sins i've caused, there's no hesitations here. i've caused enough harm and pain to the people around me. probably that's why i'm paying back in my own medicine.

they always say there can be miracles when you believe. who knows what miracles you can achieve when you believe. standing here, my heart's so full i can't explain. in this time of fear, when prayer so often proves in vain. hope seems like the summer bird, too swiftly flown away. maybe i can't ever be cured. and i figured it's easy to give in to your fears, and get blinded by your pain till you can't see the way, and can't get through the rain. it never subsides but lingers.

so often nowadays i sink into silent, with not much knowing of what has happened to me. the splitting headache sure did not make my day. like a withering rose, trying my very best to not lose my radiance despite time running out. i vommited. i made a mess out of my room. no one knows. no one cares. and it seems instead of people realising that someone's dying. that dying person has to instead, care for those around him. ironical. not one of these days were pleasant. not to mention without the sight of my beloved ones. so much words can't explain. but i'm positively sure people won't realize my disappearance. like they say, talk is cheap.

and to those that have not been in their best of moods today. take a step back and enjoy the absurdity of the moment rather than getting a cramp in your head just thinking about how to survive the next 24 hours. my main concern now are for my 3 very good friends. esp my bro. down with high fever for the past days. stupid weather ehs. and for alvin. dude, life is just. accept it. but i'm just a call away if you need some talking to. and yea man, max is stopping you from another relation until after o's. too troublesome for you. as for dominic, i figured the reason about you finding life sucks. not that i want to mention. you probably won't like it. all i can say is, go see a eye specialist and take a closer look. you'll find life more meaningful. you'll understand what i've said man. you're smart. and we can go jump off the building tomorrow.

repaying my sins. and feeling oh, so superficially alive. standing at crossroads. many nights i prayed, with no proof anyone could hear. in my heart's just a hopeful song. something i barely understood. now, i'm not afraid, although i know there's much more to fear. all i hope now is the small, yet resilient voice of yours. telling me hope is frail but always near. and you'll stand by me. don't be another summerbird. so swiftly flown away. i can't catch up. i'm falling under.

the sins repayed.

2005-01-26T22:41:00.000+08:00

i've nothing to say. life's boring as it is. school's not any interesting. maybe chilling out at starbucks with ahter is the highlight of my week. thoughts ran wild. heartfelt words. life, deaths. oh, we talked alot. future, past. life, death. happy, sad. yea, while feasting on my tiramisu. despite that, i couldn't help but sighs. we sat in the open, drinking coffee, 2 solid hours, close to 3, thinking about things as far as back as 6 years. 6, and that's where i started to feel guilty. dad. that's all i could think of. the sins i've caused 6 years ago. maybe that's why i'm punished to make up for the bad i've done. sometimes i really can't figure out humans. they're so damn hard up about having "face" that they can forsake anything in the world. i do mean anything. or everything rather. it's really surprising to see that people go to such extent, just for something that doesn't really exist. it's all in the head i'd say. i won't admit i didn't do that before. but i swear, not any longer. i don't give shit about "face" anymore. curse me all you want. hate me all you want. disgrace myself all i want. it's my life. i live it. for me to see, not for others to judge. and probably that's why i've learnt the many bad things about what friends did to me. maybe, i shouldn't use the term "friends" perhaps it's too formal. but i guess i don't really have a choice now. i'm made the laughing stock now. they think i'm not aware of it. but to those that think i'm not. get this straight. i probably know just about anything that revolves around me. tales travel fast. and if secrets can't be kept. they never will be. but then again, i don't really care anymore.

like i said. school's boring. nothing else. i guess i've to buck up on my studies though. chinese new year. i told my mum. after chinese new year. it's a promise. i'm not gonna laze and procrastinate around like i always do. it's the big O's this year. the big O's. god knows what the outcome will be. but i'll try my best. it's time to study. forsake all fantasies. blah. buck up. well, bro got into a car accident. not that serious. but car's real badly damaged. hence, mum has to get a new one after chinese new year. and i'm moving to simei after chinese new year. bigger house, but i guess i won't like it as much as i do here. i'm too attached here. what more the easy accesible roads, and east coast being just a mere 5 mins walk from home. ugh. but what can i say. simei has a 3 storey house waiting for me. which's which? dilemma. my comp's giving me problems and i just about twisted my right toe and dislocated my right thumb. ouchs. but at least mum let me buy my camera. went to get the canon ixus i5 camera today with ahter. it rocks my socks. but somehow, i feel guilty. and i'm not really sure why. life is just full of uncertainties and misbeliefs. ugh. hail camera, hail softball, hail to those few real friends whom i have and really care about me. fuck those that just put on an act. i've had enough. happy new year to all though. =)

confusions. genuine uncertainty.

2005-01-18T22:15:00.000+08:00

yea, i once did doubt about everything that revolves all around me. not saying i don't now. i still do. but the same thing i've said. i'll say it again. i'm just accepting life as it is. 365 days, 2 weeks back sure did teach me alot. no, it's not that i'm fast and catch things fast. as the rather wise person once said, " once bitten twice shy " perhaps that's where the concept lies. i'm never going to revieve the childish ways that seemed to have brought much distraught to many people. and maybe that 1 year did wake me up. consider it a short amouth. that's cause 365 days is not enough to see the whole world. 365 days is not enough for you to savour every thing you could ever ask for in life. and no 365 days would not allow you to understand just a SINGLE friend of yours fully. as for this, i've a rather question that's irritatingly enough, or rather, nihilistic. that is why do people subdue to rumours as fast as the mouse would strike for cheese. it's not a simple mathematical sum where no calculators are involved. it's beyond that, far beyond, i'd like to add. such situations, 1 + 1 does not equal to 2. numbers, feelings, letters, expressions. all jumbled up. baseless sources that always seem to prevail and truth that are always kept secrets. such contradictory of human is that they never admit what they truly want. this is not rocket science. it's just common sense that we should just sit back and enjoy the absurdity of the moment where it's far more healthier and productive rather than barking alongside with baseless rumours. contradictory, in this situation is not just a word. it's an issue. and no, humans never admit to what they truly want, all just listening to what a little bird told them.

people always say they just want to be happy, when what they mean is that they want money - lots of it. and when they say they want spiritual enlightenment and a higher sense of understanding, what they really want are just easy answers - an ace to top it all. all the bullshit about just wanting love, affection and companionship when what they truly want is just pure wild passionate sex - a satisfying and free hobby. of course, no two men on earth are identical. different characteristics and ideals do really lead them differently. all with mixtures of both positive and negative. like what they always say they just want to be accepted for who they really are, when they really wish they were just a little more glamorous, and had slimmer, firmer thighs and be the one who can fool mother nature. but what they don't know is that there are certain immutable truths in this world that they just can't talk their way out. gravity always get them down, not that they actually sit around and give a damn about it. and honesty really is an issue to humans. they never really admit what they truly want, and give rather haste answer with no heart and mind into it. they don't know that they must be very careful of what they wish for, because it never occured to them that they simply cannot lie to themselves and get away with it. when they are not honest about what they really want in life, they hurt themselves the most, and of course, all those around them. i always ask myself what is it that i care most about. and sometimes, i just can't seem to figure what's on my mind. deciphering's always a problem for me and i'm still trying to overcome it. then again, asking myself, what is it that gets me so excited about being alive - that's cause 90% of the time, i regret being here. although i won't deny the 10% sure have a great impact. And with the limited time i have, what is it that i want to do. - just reminiscing about the smooches i shared, the nights spent gazing in wonder at the stars, all the funny looking angels i made, the first drops of summer rain that caught on my tongue and when that special someone whispered in my ear " i love you ." or do something resourceful about it.

sure enough, i'm not wasting the present thinking about the future, just following my heart to the ends of the earth. i do wanna follow my dad's footsteps. i want to make a difference in people's live before my journey's over. make improvements in people, or at least, be there for them, care for them, even should they least appreciate it. no more taking heed to stupid gossips and no more harsh actions over stupid things. 24 hours a day is too short to allow such childish things to take place. time IS limited... there's always more than to what time would allow. and never am i going to waste my time digging up an emotional bunker and jump inside, thinking that if i put up enough walls to shield me from the sinister world, i'll always be safe. i figured the irony. the irony of it being such that instead of locking others out of my life is actually locking myself in. although i might be able to aviod the few things that make my life seem difficult, but in the end, i'm missing out on all the wonderful things that make life worth living for, or at least that little bit. i want to leave the world a little better than when i found it some 15 years ago. it's true i think life is infinitely more preferable to the alternative, and i'm not pretending that it's always easy and enjoyable ( as it hardly ever was ), but the truth is that sometimes life is so damned hard it gives me a real bad cramp in the brain just thinking about what i've to do to make it through the next 24 hours. as for now, i'm not giving thought about the future, getting all wobbly, feeling anxious and somewhat depressed about it. instead, i'm trying to reduce the amount of grumbling and moaning, somewhat fascinating myself to see how others react during times of genuine uncertainty. i've better things else to do. to make a better change in people's life. and i assure, gossips won't me down. i promise.

necklace. a symbol love.

2005-01-15T22:46:00.000+08:00

i'm tanned. i'm sunburnt. i'm... argh! so much for the good weather and the stupid drizzle that never seem to fail to irritate me. the solid 2 months of trying to get rid of my tan has all gone to waste. i'm back, to sqaure 1. the usual red/black me, and no, i'm not literally red/black. shagged's the only word to describe how i feel now. so tired, so stressed out. i would reckon it to be a blessing in disguise however. it's probably cause of the lethargic tinkly feeling in me that leaves my mind not a single inch further to think. it's good. but try throwing about 500 balls in one afternoon, with all your might and strength. it's incredibly strenunous. ugh! especially with the burning sensation within my body. heat absorbed. it didn't feel good. not when you get whack on your head with a ball while you're deep in thoughts, looking away or not when you've lost the necklace given to you by your most beloved. mama's out in this category. that just leaves to... bah. today hasn't really been that good, i dare to say. but thank god my junior hid my phone safe enough when he found it. otherwise, it'd be the 2nd phone i've lost in less than half a year. such painful thinking, ugh.

in addition to the parties missed, the gatherings unattended. my eyes are closing. i'm actually that tired after such long period of time, where i can at least get some disturbing thoughts out of my head. not that i don like, just that i need a slight break. cause i do still want you persisting inside my head. but ya, that's not the point, the point is that... time is running short. a factor that i, should take into consideration. held up upon a sinister sky.

adrenaline. connections.

2005-01-11T21:49:00.000+08:00

yea, i guess i'm pretty much over the fact of not being able to have what i want. although i'd rather the soft whispers in my ears and the warm cuddly hugs to the ordinary of the ordinary. anyways, we're pretty much into the second week of the new year. time do pass fast. it'll be not long before i see us with our own family and stuff. ridiculous huh? especially when a friend of mine firmly claims the whole world will cease to exist in less than a decade to come. it's her and her sixth sense. who knows? but even if that happens, i seriously don't know whether that's for the better, or the worse. to deplete mankind would mean no more sufferings for us. although that's just a one-sided statement, all i can say nothing in life is fair. think about live. we won't have to slog our guts out anymore. no more major distinct between the riches and the poor. even though i admit, love, passion, sex, company, fun are like sparks in the complete darkness. only there to brighten up your day, bring you closer to people. once again, connections.

And the fact that i'm talking to you now, i just feel antsy and phlegmatic. something is amiss. the usual rush of adrenaline that used to course through my veins while i'm with you became nonexistent. i can assure, however, it's not a passion extinguished. did i start to regret doing all that i did for you? were you the reason that partly caused my life to be so screwed up? or is it the fading interaction between me and you taking place? such is what that's running through my head now. but i still feel hesitant about that notation. i am just feeling confused. however, i'm positively sure that i did not neglect my other aspects of life right from the minute i started to know you. you weren't the reason. but for some particular reason, it all seemed connected. such amazement is this world that somehow, someplace. everything is interlinked. but be sure, my heart still beats for you.

the nihilistic nights in hell just thinking about you.

hold/thrill/embrace me

2005-01-09T23:33:00.000+08:00

ok, i freely admit choking yourself to death is not nearly as easy as it sounds, and i was surprised to learn that you can't actually kill yourself simply by overdosing on bran fiber, although you certainly will become embarrassingly regular. blah. and yes, simply pinning over false hopes and waiting for a miracle to happen is not as simple as it can be. things don't just happen for a reason and wrap for no apparent reason. as for such ridiculous statements, i can't figure myself out why i'm taking heed to it. as a rather wise person once said, don't give the whole ocean up for one fish. it seems logical. but what the wise person overlooked is the rarity of that particular fish. the many things possesed that i just can't give up. but small this world may be, the ocean is undeniably huge. it's not just the area i've to take heed to, it's the depth. the volume. beneath the surface of the water where the rays from the sun can barely through, lies a whole new different world ahead. not that i want to, but i guess it's time for me to give up on the impossible. plainly accept the fates of life. i don't wanna indulge in self-delusion anymore. but thanks for being frank with me. although that doesn't mean i love you any lesser. it's time for a whole new world. when all the madness has been gone. hold me. thrill me. embrace me.

rain. imsuilu

2005-01-09T01:29:00.000+08:00

aah, such lovely yet irritating weather for the day. it could have been better, and leaving scars on my face by squeezing pimples sure ain't pleasant. training this morning wasn't great as in great, but it was alright. thank god coach wasn't there cause i arrived late. it sure felt damn good to get hold of the ball once again, after like what seemed forever. not that i didn't have the time to, i was just too lazy. alright, that was last time. i said i'd change, but i don't know. cause i said i'd forget about you, i didn't. or rather, i couldn't. but that's besides the point. i'm starting to pin my chances on softball now that you no longer want me, or rather it's not possible, whatever. but i can secretly stare at you from a corner all i want, cause you can't stop me. today's training really did get you out of my mind - for a moment. it didn't last, it couldn't last. and neither did i want it to last. cause i want you to be in me. 24/7. i really don't know what's gotten into me, but i really can't stop myself this year. probably cause holidays ended. and the books bore me out. and that's how you came into play. but no. that doesn't mean you're second in my list. you're not even the first. cause you're my top priority. something that doesn't require listing. ugh.

if you'd allow me. i'd go straight to your house right now, apologize for all the pain i've caused you. i know an apology's not enough. that's why i'd rather a second chance. a second chance for me to prove just how much i .... u. i'm already scared of saying it. sighs. and especially this afternoon, when mum and i were in the car talking about everything. and she started getting depressed and all that crap, and after that, the next thing was the thought of you in me. how you'd cheered me up when i was way depressed. just when i thought living was shit, you made me realised there WAS something to live for. and i now want something worth living for. but you're not there. empty promises did come my way somehow. retribution i guess. for all the evil sins i've caused. kiss me beneath the milky twilight. bah, if only it weren't for my flaws...

anyways, nothing much happened today. the stinging slight drizzle that irritated my skin. the cold breezy wind which didn't fail to make me shiver. but the warmth from that cup of excellent coffee i drank was just unbelievable. in a time like this, i won't say no to coffee. and viewing cars in showrooms sure is erms, exciting? ok, it sucked. but at least i saw a nice one. such a wonderful day huh. praise me under circumstances. my mind's blank. i just can't get you out of my head.

you.

2005-01-07T22:53:00.000+08:00

it's a friday. the first week of the new year has finally ended. it seemed long. real long. probably the longest i've ever experienced. not to mention all the side factors that seemed to have contributed. i told myself many times not to look back, yet i keep pondering about how perfect my life was then, reminiscing about all the good times we shared, the many different experiences that somehow just felt right whenever i'm with you. i still remember the times how i used to cheer you up. no matter how busy i was and if you gave me a call. i'd make sure i'll be there all the time for you. the little smiles i receive from you after seeing you smile will just make my day. yea, it seems impossible. but probably that's what love is really all about. to see the one you love happy. i miss the kisses. i miss the hugs. and that sincere & pure voice of yours which never fail to brighten me up. i really loved those times, but good things never last. that's what philosophers claim. blah, i tried to get you out of my head, but i just can't. i did manage to forget you once. but when i met you again, all recollections of you just started coming back. my brain needs a good rest now, seriously. purge me from all my sorrows. i'd really make up to you if i had that second chance. i won't be the same again. i promise. yes, i know i'm pinning on false hopes. but at least, if there's still a possibility. i won't mind trying. unless god is great and kind enough to give me a new start. forget about you. such contradictory in me, on one hand so wanting to get rid of your presence stuck in my head, and on the other hand, not wanting to forget about you. the person who changed me. gave me a real positive attitude towards life. you've left your footprints in my heart. and i can't seem to erase 'em. but i'll try. maybe the misunderstandings were far too many. i said i want you back, but i feel i'll be better off alone. personal reflections. the loud ticking of the clock that trips me out, and the jovial happenings between us that doesn't seem to bother you anymore. i'm already, ceasing to exist. i'm just a fool for another day. but at least i do know. i still love you. more than words itself can describe.

but i still can't find out why am i suddenly falling out with everyone.

sick of sight without a sense of feeling

2005-01-05T23:28:00.000+08:00

yes, the paranoial in me again. maybe there really is pros and cons in every single situation. something which i seemed to have been in denial of. i didn't really believe that things just have to happen one after another. talk about disasters. talk about relationships. but i guess for now, i'm just tied down to reality. something i hate yet have no choice about it. school's started. a whole new resolution. determination seems to be lacking here, somehow. blah. i can't blog. my mind's in a whirl. i'm getting tired, and i need something to rely on. ok, there's no meaning for this entry. i've not a clue what i'm shooting about. but all i find weird is that illnesses always catch up with people. there's no running. you just can't win. maybe everything just happens for a reason. the good never last. the bad always get the upper hand. and people can never escape from old age, death, and illnesses. it's just the way how things work. maybe. probably why i wasn't spared either. not from death. not from old age. that just leaves you with one more factor. hmm, it all seems so weird. a 15 alive and kicking year-old kid. wow. that's how life is. like i said. you can't win. neither can i. blah, my head's spinning. another sign.

i tried so hard to tell you how i feel, but i just couldn't put it in the proper way. i've been thinking of you way too much. i know it seems absurd. too shy i maybe, but i just hope you'll spend the last few days of my life. yes yes, i'm daydreaming again. i'm being oh so optimistic. reality boy reality. but still, the cold shoulder wasn't necessary. sick and tired of being left alone.- somebody drown me in the abundant skies. sick of sight without a sense of feeling. i've been wrong, i've been down, the five words constantly stuck in my head. will you ever notice. or rather, will you ever give a shit. but at least i'm contended i still have you, as a friend. or what? i'm not sure. perhaps i'm just waiting on a different story. or more like a fairytale. i'm losing my head. rumors starting. fuck em all. i miss you terribly.

connections. a lost of passion

2004-12-31T03:17:00.001+08:00

at my desk i sat, with my head tilted upwards. the glaring brightness from the florescent lamp above catches my full attention. the wires that connected to form a circuit, thus lighting up this lamp. connections. its reminded me of the different forms of connections humans have with each other.something in me felt amiss. so dark and empty, like a black hole. im losing grip of everything that i once felt passionate for. i lost touch with my emotions.i cant determine if it's a good or bad thing. there are always pros and cons in situations like this. i love to stop feeling at times, yet at that exact moment, a yearning to sense is the first thing on my mind. perhaps i was wrong. my emotions are still very much intact in me, just buried under subject matters that are occupying my brain activity at this moment. falling away from this fills me with utmost depression. it just separates me from the human species.

magical is the prefect vocabulary to describe the process of chemistry working through your mind and soul, triggering that emotion in you to feel a certain mood. it's a complicated element. easy to understand, yet almost impossible to have a upper hand at.the giggles about crushes or butterflies in my tummy remind me im still a little boy. the need to be childish. i want to be a child with those emotions that keep me pondering day and night, night and day. its a fun stage in life. i dont want to grow up and experience the hurts and pain, id like to be ignorant to my surroundings and the consequences these feelings might stum upon. growing up isnt fun at all. you learn about the requirements in life, the difference between a good and bad person and to distinguish the various types of feelings one can experience. something which gets me moody.when will those feelings of mine surface again? im already missing it. i feel cold-blooded.